Whew. What a semester. What a year. Is there really just a week left, give or take how nice the finals schedule gods were to you? I know I’ve had a ride. I started out this year as the sports editor and nearly gave myself an ulcer when I combined it with 15 credit hours of classes. I became the assistant sports editor in spring just in time for things to get really hairy (who’s the basketball coach now?).
Now I stand at the end of another school year. I’ve still got another to go, my last. All of my adoring fans will still see my name in The BG News occasionally next year, but it is time to pass the torch to a new generation of aspiring newsies. So, in the grand tradition of Jerry West, I will take another position and slip into an “advisor” role next year in hopes of landing a $5 million per year contract with some desperate, struggling newspaper in Tennessee in a few years.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we worry about the future, we need to experience the soon-to-be present: summer. The time of baseball, bitch-work jobs and babes in bikinis.
With that in mind, it’s time to hop in the DeLorean with Doc and Marty and see what the hot months hold for the world of sports.
1. The Twins and Expos will haunt Bud Selig
The All-Star Break in July will feature Doug Mientkiewicz, Torii Hunter and Jacque Jones from the first-place Twins and Valdimir Guerrero, Javier Vazquez and Michael Barrett from the first-place Expos. While in Milwaukee for the All-Star Game, Selig chokes on a bratwurst when a reporter asks him his feelings on a Twins-Expos World Series.
2. Mike Tyson will fight Lennox Lewis on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
Don King says, “Let the freedom bell ring and say ‘ding, ding, ding’ for Dr. Martin Luther King.” The brainy idea is to commemorate the 39th anniversary of the “I Have a Dream” speech by having two boxers pound each other on pay-per-view. The fight nets the highest viewership in history, but Don King is arrested afterward for violating D.C. fire safety codes when smokers set the highly-polluted Reflecting Pool on fire. Afterward, without direction in his life, Tyson takes a job eating live fish in a circus show.
3. The Indians nab Cliff Floyd from the Marlins.
Russell Branyan and Jerrod Riggan for Floyd. Come on. Do it already. The Indians’ offense has as much firepower as Luxembourg right now. Hey, the Marlins beat the Indians in the 1997 World Series and then threw their team away. Floyd, the lone holdover from that team, is a fair price to pay for such abuse.
4. When NFL camps open, the rookies will struggle.
In Detroit, Joey Harrington makes Mike McMahon look like Joe Namath. William Green makes James Jackson look like Jim Brown in Cleveland, and Levi Jones makes the rest of the Bengals defensive line look like something besides mannequins in Cincy. Don’t worry, they’ll all pull out of it and have some shining moments before the injury bug hits.
5. When Barry Bonds gets his 600th career homer, he’ll circle the bases backwards.
When Jimmy Piersall got his 100th career homer, he did the same thing. They made a movie out of his career (“Fear Strikes Out” – from a baseball standpoint, it’s not too good.)
6. Randy Johnson is 17-0 by August, but the Diamondbacks are out of first place.
If Curt Schilling goes on the DL, the Unit will have a back-breaking flashback to 1995 and the Mariners.
7. The Mavericks top the Nets in the NBA Finals. Come on. Steve Nash. How can you not like a guy who looks like a slacker and plays like Bob Cousy?
8. The Red Wings defeat the Senators in the Stanley Cup Finals. There. That should appease the Michiganders and Ontarians in the audience. The Wings hoist the cup, and the Leafs don’t lose it. Have a great summer, all. If you travel abroad, don’t drink the water.
