Quick, how many days till Dance Marathon? Do you care? If you’re like me you’ve been force fed Dance Fever until you want to vomit. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of raising money for Children’s Miracle Network is a good idea, but the more time passes the more the name of that good charity gets dragged through the mud.

I thought it was bad when I saw the first Christmas commercial on TV three days before Halloween, but Dance Marathon seems to pride itself on shoving next years event down the public’s throat before the previous one has even ended. One hundred five days till the event … maybe that doesn’t seem like a long time, but let’s put it in less impressive terms. That is five months away, or more than an entire semester. By the time the event rolls around, everyone’s so excited, not because of suspense, but because maybe you’ll stop talking about it. Dance Marathon lasts for 32 hours, not two semesters. Do you realize how much more money you could raise for Children’s Miracle Network if the rest of campus didn’t view you as one step below telemarketers?

And yes, you’re raising money for Children’s Miracle Network, not Dance Marathon. Remember that every time you sit in the lobby of the Union peddling whatever you happen to be peddling that day, T-shirts, mugs, flip flops, raffling off your immortal soul or used toenail clippings … “Want to buy a T-shirt as a fundraiser for Dance Marathon?” No, go away! “Want to buy a shirt and help support Children’s Miracle Network.” No, I’m a poor college student. Maybe next time. Yes, I know I’m still not buying the T-shirt, but in the second scenario I at least feel guilty about not buying the shirt. After all, the money you’re raising isn’t going to Dance Marathon; it’s going to Children’s Miracle Network … right?

Last year Dance Marathon raised $315,583.10. Of that money, $43,583 did not go to Children’s Miracle Network. That’s quite a chuck of change, and for a “charity” Dance Marathon seems to have a large overhead cost. Where is that money going? Are you really spending $145 per dancer on food in a 32 hour period?

And where’s that money coming from in the first place? It seems like every day there’s a new fundraiser for Dance Marathon.

Isn’t Dance Marathon supposed to be the fundraiser? Explain to me how you can have a fundraiser for a fundraiser. Does the dancing earn any of the glorious sum of cash you wave around like a free ticket into heaven, or is the dancing at the end just a big party to celebrate how good you are and validate your self worth?

Actually, from what I hear there’s little dancing. It’s mostly standing around. After 32 hours you’re not tired from dancing, you’re tired from patting yourself on the back.

Like I said, the idea of giving money to charity is good and I applaud that, but you’re not fooling me into thinking that you’ve danced for the well- being of your fellow man. So I have two solutions I propose.

First instead of Dance Marathon, let’s have Lap Dance Marathon. The money can still go to the kids, but we won’t have this pathetic illusion that they’re the motivating force. If you do the math, they estimate there are 300 (male and female) dancers, times 32 hours, times ten lap dances per hour, times ten dollars per lap dance is $960,000. That’s three times the amount the regular Dance Marathon “earned” last year, and with no fundraisers for the fundraiser.

I’m not a fool, I know us having a Lap Dance Marathon is about as likely as the University removing that hideous eyesore that we call a spirit rock.

So as an alternate solution let’s skip the drama and just give the money straight to Children’s Miracle Network. I don’t need to buy flip flops to prove I care about my fellow man, and I don’t need to dance (or stand) for 32 hours so I can pretend that my selling of flip flops was an historic milestone. I can give money to charity; I don’t need a middle man to dance in between me and the charity to do it either.