Ohio State and Michigan. Coca-Cola and Pepsi. Mega Man and Dr. Wily. No matter where you look, there are rivalries. Competition, although sometimes ugly, can bring out some of the greatest accomplishments known to the unyielding opponent. They are also fun to both participate in and witness. Our amazing football team’s season could add up to nothing if they lose to Toledo. It’s as simple as that. We have several rivalries, but there is an unspoken one that I would like to both explore and amplify.
This rivalry includes every student on campus. What side are you on, you may ask? Well ask yourself how you spend your Saturday nights. Are they spent alone in your own room, or are they spent unconscious on some dude’s apartment bathroom floor? Yes, the legendary rivalry I am talking about is the classic match-up between the college students who consume alcohol on the weekends (drunks) and those who don’t (sober people).
Right off the bat you can see the problem. People who drink have so many nicknames. To name a few: drunkards, lushes, rummies and frat guys. What are sober people nicknamed? All I can think of are teetotalers, abstainers and people from Utah.
None of those nicknames are very catchy. So, for the sake of vocabulary, I will declare “sob” as a noun meaning a sober person, just so we can compare drunks and sobs without using a cumbersome lexicon.
Why should the drunks vs. sobs rivalry be more productive? Like I said before, rivalries bring out the best from each side.
Moreover, they balance out the two sides. Why do you think the New York Yankees and Detroit Tigers are no longer rival opponents? It’s because the Tigers have trouble winning games against the Mud Hens. Therefore, if the total population of drunks is remarkably more than that of the sobs, then we don’t have a fighting chance. In order to implement this rivalry and restore the balance of power in the universe, the few and proud anti-alcoholics must make some drastic changes.
It all starts with recruitment. When you come to college, you are faced with a choice. The choice is the inclusion of alcohol in your social life. Currently, drunks have young adults reeled in before they put their name on their SAT answer sheets. I feel this is where we must start. We need to advertise the fun life of a sob.
What are the advantages of not drinking on the weekends? The current perks include respect from elders, driving a car, and no headaches on Sunday mornings. These perks wouldn’t even persuade me to not drink.
We don’t want to make youngsters fall for an illusion, but rather exaggerate the fun aspect of weekends. That is what advertising is all about. In times like this, I believe that we should promise recruits that they would become skillful in the art of blackmail. With only a camera a sob could seek out embarrassing incidents all over campus and beyond. They could then use this incriminating evidence against those who drink just a little too much. We don’t want anything from them, but that feel of power over your opponent is always refreshing.
Drunken people will have their day as well. A victory to them might be something like throwing a plastic bottle full of urine out of a speeding car window onto an unsuspecting passerby. Perhaps an intoxicated individual will have more interesting stories to tell on Monday than one who was clean for the weekend. And the rivalry will be born.
Both sides can then come together in the friendly spirit of rivalry and benefit a third party. For example, our campus is “competing” against the U. of Toledo in the Blood Bowl to see who can donate more blood. (On a side note, we will have an advantage in this if we clean up after our hockey games.)
Just having everyone get plastered after a long week of classes isn’t the answer for everyone. With a well-kept rivalry between alcoholics and “soberholics,” division within the campus can keep order in the universe. If you disagree with me, then maybe you should see the pictures I have of you last weekend wearing a coconut bra and sailor hat.
