AT ISSUE: Are the violent acts of children starting to look like acts of terrorism?

Apparently one kid took “Grand Theft Auto 3” too seriously. Last Thursday, a 16-year old kid from Warrensville Heights, Ohio attacked a fellow student with a hammer after the victim didn’t replace a lost video-game controller belonging to the assailant, according to last Sunday’s edition of the Toledo Blade. The poor kid ended up with a fractured skull and the attacker, obviously skipping his anger management classes, will likely wind up with an expulsion that would make even Columbine gunman Dylan Klebold spin in his grave. I wouldn’t be so quick to blame video game violence for this incident. I’ve played Nintendo ever since I was in kindergarten, and I’ve only killed people who looked like video game characters.

One person over-reacted to something that someone else may or may not have done. Sound familiar? It’s the same situation as that thing for which we had a candlelight vigil a couple days ago. Know what this means? September 11 could have been averted, back in the 80’s, when little George W. Bush borrowed little Osama’s Atari and never returned it. George Bush Sr. could have done something about it, but he was too busy bombing the heck out of Grenada.

Terrorism has now taken the form of ordinary hammers. In the distance I can hear American Airlines pulling Bob Vila aside for a full body cavity search. We all know the list of things you can’t bring on an airplane includes any object that has caused at least one death in the history of the world. Terrorists may have major psychological disorders, but we have to give them some credit.

They found a way to kill 3,000 without using one bomb, gun, or curse word. Removing everything sharp from carry-on luggage won’t stop them from wrecking havoc yet again. Maybe a hijacker will dress up as a stewardess and tell the cabin, “Your seat cushion can be used as a floatation and suffocation device!” Then again, who’s to say their next attempt will be on an airplane? Who’s to say the terrorists will even be adults?

Teenagers make much better hooligans! They go through that turbulent time known as puberty, where they will do pretty much anything to gain acceptance. I think that terrorists gave this angry kid from Warrensville Heights a gift certificate to Home Depot and told him “Buy what you want and beat this PlayStation-hating loser up!” (And if you think I’m serious, go ahead and slap yourself now so I don’t have to find you and do it myself).

I’m not the first person to assume another attack will be made on American soil. The CIA (or was it the FBI? I get them mixed up all the time) has already publicly told this earlier this year. Their statement was something along the lines of, “Another attack on the United States of America is inevitable. We don’t know where it will be, who it will be, or when it will be.” Way to go, guys. Are you sure you didn’t just ask Miss Cleo for this nondescript prediction? So don’t blame me for stirring up hysteria. All I’m doing is agreeing with the United States government, and throwing in a random prophecy that the culprits will not be old enough to vote.

Let’s face it, those who choose to invoke terrorism can do so by rounding up all the little kids who can’t find their mommies in a large department store. I never said it was a humane idea, I just said it’s within the realm of possibility. Imagine the 16-21 year old demographic, America’s worst drivers, turned loose on their country by some religious fundamentalists. Maybe the boys and girls who are picked on in high school are brainwashed to bludgeon anyone who has the same hair color as the school bully. And to seal the deal, most of these rascals wouldn’t even be tried as adults.

Would I go as far as to say that our nation’s youth is a more volatile group than Muslim extremists? How many Al-Qaeda members have told their parents that they hate them for not letting them stay out past midnight? How many Taliban officials told their classmates that they would kick their butts out by the flagpole? What percentage of the FBI’s Top Ten Most Wanted List went back to their school and shot everyone who was mean to them? I would answer this question, but I’m too busy waiting for one of my floormates to return my Gamecube controller.