Bill Simmons is my hero.
The ESPN Page Two columnist writes three columns a week, varying in importance and ridiculousness. The guy basically combines his vast knowledge of sports history with a witty sense of humor to produce snide remarks that make me laugh out loud during my Journalism 320 class.
Thus, like many other admirers do, I will now try my hand at producing a column much like his — apologize to your professors for me if I happen to make you laugh out loud during class.
* That gunshot you heard came from the hotel room of Dallas Mavericks center Shawn Bradley, just after he watched ESPN air their “ten best dunks over Shawn Bradley” segment Friday night. The list included guys like Steve Francis, who checks in at just over six feet tall, bringing down the house over the 7-6 Bradley.
* I think Byron Leftwich has a chip in his helmet to know when the cameras are on him, because as soon as the camera pans to him, his leg hurts again and he has to limp. Pure comedy.
* Even if Tiger Woods does play in the Masters, he won’t be able to hear any bad comments from women’s supporters — his dad will be overpowering everyone with chants of “cha-ching.”
* Is anyone else waiting for the moment when Tim McCarver storms the set of CBS’ NFL pregame show and blurts out, “You’re a real man, Deion!” like after the playoff game when Deion Sanders dumped water on McCarver?
* I think Andy Barch, Zach Baker, Jason Dixon and myself could hold the Carolina Panthers to less than 52 points.
* Colonel Nathan R. Jessup and Warren Sapp: fight of the century.
* In my opinion, there’s nothing like watching a baseball game on ESPN Classic, that you know is the 1993 Jim Abbott’s no-hitter against the Indians, and cheering for the Indians to get a hit. Classic.
* I don’t think I’m alone in hoping that Miami drills Ohio State, just so I don’t have to hear about how sweet Craig Krenzel and Chris Gamble are.
* Heckling Akron coach Dan Hipsher, whose two sons played for him, at the Mid-American Conference basketball tournament last March was the best thing I’ve ever done, despite the fact that it got chicken wings thrown at my roommate. Especially after mcLeod hit a game-winning fadeaway three to win the game.
* Just for the heck of it: Chris Bando, Candy Maldonado and Mike Gallego.
* Ohio State’s basketball uniforms when Jim Jackson, Lawrence Funderburke and Chris Jent were there are the coolest things I’ve ever seen, all the way down to the gray shoes.
* When I bought stock in “Kurt Warner will go from grocery bagger, to NFL MVP and toast of St. Louis and back to grocery bagger at Bob’s Bait and Tackle,” I didn’t think I’d be able to cash in this quickly!
* Speaking of Kurt Warner, I bet he mistakenly calls his wife “mom” at least twice a week.
* I’m still waiting for the next Shaq movie blockbuster — you know, the follow up to Kazaam.
* I’m also still waiting for the Deion Sanders/Jamie Foxx duo: “It must be Willie Beamen’s money.”
* Note to anyone who is a candidate for the Heisman Trophy: six touchdowns in your final game can only help your cause. See: Willis McGahee.
* Lastly, I may be in the minority here, but there is nothing funnier to me than a professional athlete, after signing a contract with a different team than he’s spent his entire career with, giving the old “It’s about winning, it’s about feeling loved” routine. That’s like George getting the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine.
