Nothing captivated American pride more than the race into outer space between our astronauts and Russian cosmonauts. Granted, they beat us into space, but they never landed on the moon, which is something we were able to accomplish, unless you believe in high-level government conspiracies. Is the race for the moon over? It most definitely ended, but not at the juncture that you think. Neil Armstrong merely set the foundation.
An American company has claimed the surface of the moon, and is now selling plots of land to ordinary citizens like you, me and Richard Simmons. Lunar Embassy launched a website (http://www.moonshop.com) where you can purchase an acre of the moon. You can also purchase land on Mars, Venus or Io, one of Jupiter’s moons.
When a humor columnist like myself cannot come up with jokes, he simply states the funny truth. With the purchase of an acre of this extraterrestrial land, you receive a deed in your name, a lunar map of where your plot is, along with a Lunar Constitution and Bill of Rights. The constitution was drafted and approved by the Director of the Lunar Embassy, Dennis M. Hope, who is more commonly referred to as “The Head Cheese.”
You just have to pay $19.99, along with a $1.51 fee, which is either called Lunar Tax, Martian Tax, Venusian Tax, or Iotian Tax. According to the Lunar Embassy’s website, this is all perfectly legal. The United Nations passed a resolution in 1967 that states that no government can own extraterrestrial property. It mentioned nothing of individuals or corporations, and that is where the loophole comes in. In the words of the Lunar Embassy, “One can become the legal owner of an extraterrestrial body if you are the first one that claimed it.” They went back to a popular third-grade strategy of “calling it first,” which worked well with playing games of tag, in that the last person who said “Not it!” was, well, “it.” Calling “no tapbacks” is a very complicated issue and will not be discussed in this article.
The Head Cheese is a very smart man. He has inspired me to claim things that nobody else owns. For one, I claim the alphabet. Nobody owns the alphabet. People use it every day, but no single entity claims ownership. I called it first, so I own the alphabet. Actually, I am claiming all alphabets, including Roman, Arabic, Japanese, Wingdings, and hieroglyphics. Would you like to purchase a letter “G” for $500? If you don’t, I will charge you five cents for writing or typing any of my letters. I feel like the host of “Wheel of Fortune,” because people will always be asking me to buy a vowel.
Next, I claim color as my own. As of this moment, I own all shades and hues of color. Red, blue, orange, fuchsia, ochre, chartreuse — you name it, I own it. Past paintings are off the hook, but any future artistic renditions that use any color or tint will have to pay a small fee.
I won’t go into detail about my other new possessions, but I will mention them just so people know that they are mine. I own the earth’s core, the periodic table of elements, the range of sound frequencies audible by humans, the concept of “ménage a trois,” all non-human species of life, the sunken city of Atlantis and the religions of the earth, including atheism.
On top of that, I will claim all extraterrestrial property not already owned by the Lunar Embassy. When I say I own Uranus, I mean exactly that.
Although I have not contacted a legal consultant, it will be hard to dispute my claims. This article stands as tangible evidence of the date on which I declared my property. If you try and do the same, you’re out of luck, because I called it first. Also, I’m “not it.”
