Q: Since the only reason I am interviewing you is because I was too lazy to find anyone else, explain why people should care what you think and why they should read this interview.
A: You mean I wasn’t your first choice? Anyway, everyone should care what I think because my opinions are always correct (or so I’d like to believe). Plus, I work at the liquor store here in BG and supply all of you “rummies” with your booze.
Q: Rumor has it one of our roommates, let’s call him “Dickey,” got so drunk on Valentines Day that he passed out on a floor and was humped by an actual pot-bellied pig, which, let’s say, left a mess. Did you get any action on V-Day, and why or why not?
A: First of all, that is no rumor, therefore it did happen. As for myself, I received as much action on Valentine’s Day equaling that of what someone in solitary confinement receives on a daily basis. Maybe if I would’ve gone out with “Dickey” that night that pig could’ve introduced me to her sister.
Q: What are your pet peeves?
A: People who lick their fingers (use a friggin napkin please) and wear shorts in the winter.
Q: People say you bear a striking resemblance to actor/musician Jack Black. Is it flattering or does it bother you that you look like a “movie star” who is famous because of his humor and personality and not his good looks?
A: Jack Black? Really? I was always told that I was a rare combination of Brad Pitt/Enrique Iglesias/and some members of ‘NSync. I don’t think that I look like Jack Black, but whatever. And if he’s known for his personality and not his good looks, well so be it. Better to look like Jack Black than a jackass.
Q: Your nickname is “pubes.” How did you get it and are you suicidal on a daily basis?
A: Well, pubic rhymes with Cuic and it evolved into Pubes. No I’m not suicidal…. but thanks for asking ass.
Q: What do you want people to know about working in a liquor store?
A: I can tell everyone the following; it’s not funny when we ask for an I.D.. and you say “no,” then start cracking up. Not funny. Speaking of IDs, please bring them. Whether or not you’ve come in before, we most likely don’t remember you. So don’t pull one of these “dude, you gotta remember me…I bought like two cases of Natty last week.” I wonder if these people ever wonder how many people buy Natty there.
Q: You’re friends with Mike, “The Miz” from the second New York season of “The Real World.” C’mon, spill the beans. What is he really like, and why didn’t he know February was Black History Month?
A: I know this is gonna piss everyone off, but he’s not a dick as most think he is. If I recall correctly, he did well in high school and in college for that matter. He was always a nice kid in high school. Sorry to disappoint. As for not knowing when Black History Month is, I don’t know how that happened. It must have been our stellar Parma education.
Q: I always have to hear you complain about your mom being the only one who thinks you’re a good catch. Let all the ladies know why they should want you without sounding desperate.
A: Oh, this is easy. Because I live with you. See, if someone were to fall for me, its obviously a sly way at getting closer to you. That’s a no-brainer. Plus, if my grandma lived in the United States. she’d think I was a catch.
Q: Give a solid argument why NASCAR is not a sport.
A: I’m gonna put an end to this argument right now. NASCAR is not a sport! Cars are not athletes, drivers are not athletes. Saying “they done sweat like 10 lbs. off during’ one of dem races” is not valid. That doesn’t make a factory worker an athlete. Sure, there is strategy involved, but there is strategy involved in war and terrorism, and those are not sports in my eyes.
Q: Any final comments?
A: I’m out like the Democrats in Congress!
