Welcome to late February. The coldest, nastiest, old-gym-sock-in-a–puddle-of-stangnant-water-on-the-locker-room-floor time of year. The only thing that’s even remotely entertaining is seeing if you can walk to and from class without freezing to death or winding up MIA in this week’s snow storm.
If you are a sports fan, and the only satisfaction you can derive from watching “The Bachelorette” or “Joe Millionaire” is to make snide comments a la “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” you know the feeling of having that “L” stamped on your forehead. Where has the purpose gone? The Super Bowl is over. Baseball doesn’t even begin exhibition games for another week. College hoops offers up BYU-Utah at midnight. The NBA … well, we’re east of the Mississippi, so that’s not even worth bringing up.
Hockey’s good, if you’re from Detroit, I guess. But even they are two months removed from six weeks of playoffs.
So what do you do when the Playstation overheats and you’ve done all the studying (15 minutes) that you can stand? Below is a list of simple time-killers. Parlor games for a new generation. Something to keep your mind occupied and tone those abs. Results on the latter may vary depending if you can perform sit-ups during the activity.
1. The basketball introduction.
Obtain a copy of the Chicago Bulls’ introduction music, record yourself yelling your name, height and college of your choice over the music, and play it every time you enter a room. Run into the room with your arms raised and chest-bump the first person you see.
2. Watch the original “Major League” repeatedly.
Even if you aren’t an Indians fan, it is still good to see the Yankees lose. Plus, Pedro Cerrano is, quite simply, one of the most quotable movie characters of the last 20 years.
3. Play “Can I Bowl With It?”
A plastic dish? A Frisbee? Your roommate’s priceless 3-D Star Trek chess set? Get some plastic pins and let’s find out!
4. The Causehead.
Paint a placard and stand outside your front door protesting something unusual. Garbage bags don’t come in red. Americans drive on the right side of the road. Anything.
5. Covert Operative.
Obtain a walkie-talkie. While your roommate is sleeping, stare at him/her. When they finally wake up and notice you staring, pick up the walkie-talkie and say “Wait! Suspend Operation Saran Wrap!”
6. Get pumped about curling.
The CBC station here shows curling rather frequently. I am telling you, abandon all pretensions about curling not beaing a real sport. Getting that heavy stone to stop on a dime is difficult.
7. Write ESPN and tell them to stop all the game shows.
I could take “Beg, Borrow and Deal.” I could tolerate “Two-Minute Drill.” But whoever came up with the idea of “Around The Horn” must be stopped. Blowhard host Max Kellerman oversees blowhard columnists expressing long-winded opinions on things I already heard 50 times over on “Sportscenter” and “Pardon The Interruption,” then declares a winner. The only thing more painful to watch is gall bladder surgery on the Discovery Channel.
8. Make fun of Michael Jackson.
Endless, endless hours of material here.
See? There’s lost of stuff to get you through these cold, lean weeks. Some of them may try others’ pateince, but you can’t get anywhere in life without pushing some boundaries.
Or you could just curl up with a nice book by one of the masters. Hemingway. Joyce. Jose Canseco — wait, forget I said that.
