Did you ever break a bone when you were 7 years old? Did you ever fall off your bike and scrape your knee? Did you ever do anything stupid as a kid? Of course you did. Being a kid entails training wheels, arm floaties and high chairs. You couldn’t be trusted due to your curiosity and if you found something, you instinctively shoved it in your mouth, even if the dog just coughed it up.
Then there are the parents who must prevent every accident, no matter the cost. An over-concerned mother could purchase decorative stickers to put on glass doors so that toddlers don’t humorously walk into them. They could pad the edging of tables and counters with cushions. You could put a hearth around a fireplace just in case a child wants first-degree burns.
Some call it “babyproofing.” I call it “funproofing.” These innovations are taking away precious memories of these deprived little ones. Should every single baby be protected from the evils of sharp objects? Charles Darwin didn’t think so. He was a believer of, go figure, Darwinism. He coined the “survival of the fittest” ideology, meaning that every now and then, the gene pool needs some chlorine.
If we could stop stupid people from breeding, there would be no problem. Unfortunately, slow-witted couples are churning out extraordinarily dumb kids. You show me a child-safe home and I’ll show you a dumb kid who can find a way to suffocate him or herself with a Furby.
Irwin Mainway, a character played by Dan Aykroyd on “Saturday Night Live,” can show you some other potentially dangerous playthings. In the skit, Mr. Mainway defends his company, Mainway Toys, which produces toys such as Johnny Switchblade, Mr. Skin Grafter and (my personal favorite) the Bag O’ Glass. He then shows how one could choke on a Nerf ball, get a splinter from alphabet blocks and choke on the cord of a play telephone. Want to know the sad part? I’m sure these incidents have actually happened outside of “SNL.”
Can you imagine a room without sharp edges? When I was younger, I was running around in my late grandmother’s apartment when I came to a hallway. I was headed straight for the corner of the wall. I suppose I didn’t know which way to turn because I was too busy being a merry lad. I didn’t make up my mind in time and I collided with the corner of the wall.
I blacked out for a few seconds, but I escaped with only a really hilarious bruise on my forehead. Sure, it was foolish, but I lived. So would any other kid. From that day on, I learned not to run into walls.
George Carlin boldly stated, “The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have children of his own.” These are the same kids who, if you coat them in protective bubble wrap, will manage to prove why they are swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Some child safety precautions should be taken, no doubt. I think fire-starting tools should be kept in out-of-reach areas, so a kid doesn’t bring something like a cigarette lighter and set his cot on fire during naptime. This actually happened last week in Tarpon Springs, FL. I’m also wisely opposed to kids playing with knives, cleaning products and deadly nuclear warheads. That is where Mattel comes in.
If nothing else, stupid accidents are as priceless to a child as a MasterCard commercial. They may forget their first lost tooth, their first pacifier and the multiplication table, but childhood stories of whimsical pain, such as falling down the stairs and landing on the family dog, are forever engraved in our heads. They may even be used against us, say, if we run for public office.
Nevertheless, if a kid isn’t the brightest crayon in the box of 64 and he is sheltered from scraped knees and smashed pinkies, he will no doubt find a way to trip over his own feet even after he learns to tie his shoes.
