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BG Falcon Media

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BG Falcon Media

The BG News
BG24 Newscast
November 30, 2023

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Puns are mightier than assault rifles

The other day, I was skimming the Albanian newspapers, as it is part of my daily routine. Something I came across inspired me. Apparently a famous comedian in Albania named Sejfulla Myftari was car-jacked, but he escaped by making the robbers laugh uproariously. The bandits told Myftari to drive away so they could capture the next car.

Two things came to mind. First of all, how would you like to be the car that was actually hijacked? Second, I have figured out how to stop all the fighting in the world.

I know, it seems crazy, but I am definitely sure I can achieve world peace. I haven’t tried it out or asked anyone else’s opinion, but I am going out on a limb and say that I can end every war currently going on and prevent any future war from ever happening. You see, we’ve been going at this conflict thing all wrong. We shouldn’t have to slay our fellow man just because they have a different skin color, talk funny or have dynamite strapped to their torso. Bullets and bayonets merely puncture their funny bone; not tickle it. You shouldn’t disperse angry mobs with tear gas and knee knockers. They really hurt. Just ask Ohio State University students. Pain doesn’t prevent nor deter chaos. What we need is the refreshing power of comedy.

If you haven’t noticed, we have a lot of funny people in this country. We have almost as many comedians as we have Starbucks. We have five late night talk shows on network television. Realistically, you can only watch two without a vcr. Stand-up comics are competing for jobs in bars, clubs and Comedy Central specials. Do we really need all this laughter? Once you watch several reruns of “Kids in the Hall,” what’s next? Sejfulla Myftari’s own late night talk show?

Right now the buzz around the nation is whether or not we should attack Iraq. The citizens are split: should we or should we not deploy forces to the Middle East? I say we should.

We should send our forces out to all troubled parts of the Mideast and fire at will. The forces will be our army of comedians and the ammunition will be well-timed puns, one-liners and limericks. Our offense should be considered the fifth main branch of our military, called the “Comic Reserve.”

The world has tried non-violent intervention before, and it has failed miserably. Going to a Catholic high school, I know all about the missionaries set up by the Society of Jesus, better known as the Jesuits. I know they tried converting the Native Americans of both North and South America, and were mercilessly killed. I know of the tragic death of Archbishop Oscar Romero, a major proponent for international intervention, who was gunned down during a mass.

For every dead Jesuit, there is a school named after him. We have been going about non-violence all wrong. Religion isn’t the way to calm them down; most of the major wars in the history of the world were based on religion! Ending war with religion is like extinguishing a wildfire using lighter fluid. You are only adding to the problem.

Comedy is universal. We all enjoy more or less the same brands of humor. This is the message the “Comic Reserve” would relay to all corners of the globe. We would send these fine humorous soldiers into turbulent regions to share the gift of humor.

Perhaps it could be as simple as giving a Bosnian orphan child a pair of fake moustache glasses. Perhaps comic infantries could travel across Somalia performing sketch comedy. If that doesn’t work, we may have to use our secret weapon. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about Carrot Top.

All these countries need is a little humor in their lives. Judging from all the commotion, they have no sense of humor. The “Comic Reserve” would be here to establish a strong sense of humor within dictators and despots. I never though I would say this, but we can all learn from Albania.

Just make ’em laugh. If that doesn’t work, then nuke ’em.

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