There’s a good chance that while you’re reading this column, I’m laying in an alley somewhere, bleeding to death. You see, if P Diddy’s “Vote or Die” campaign is successful, those of us who voted yesterday will have changed the face of the world forever, and those of us who didn’t, well, we’re toast.

It’s not like I didn’t want to vote; I registered months ago and researched the issues like any other good citizen would by watching the debates. Unfortunately, all I got out of the three debates was that lesbian daughters are all the rage, and for someone who has zillions of dollars, the Heinz ketchup lady really should be more attractive. Is anyone else thinking Chiquita banana girl here?

So, frustrated to the point of despair, I turned to the last source of rational, un-biased information I could find: campaign ads. I know what you’re probably thinking — campaign ads are the most one-sided, partial pieces of pure propaganda to be found anywhere, with the exception of those Truth ads on TV that keep telling us that “smoking” is “bad” and that we “shouldn’t do it.” (Don’t listen to them! It’s a lie!)

But to that I say, no: these ads are being shown on television, and do you really think that the TV would lie? I think not. Look at the Weather Channel — it’s almost nearly half-accurate 23 percent of the time, and that’s good enough for me. The campaign ads didn’t really satisfy my curiosity; however, because neither candidate answered any of the questions that really need answering, such as what we’re going to do with Canada.

This is a serious problem that could blow up in our faces when we least expect it. Think about it — when was the last time we heard anything from Canada? Do they even have a leader? Or have they regressed to traveling around on dog sleds and stealing fruit snacks from Eskimos? More importantly, what would the sequel to “The Day After Tomorrow” be called?

But seriously, the Canadians could take over Alaska and no one would know (or care, but that’s beside the point).

My point is, with the National Hockey League on strike for possibly the entire season, we have to watch out for any Canucks that may go crazy and try something funny. I have countless relatives in Canada and, despite never having met any of them, I’m pretty sure they’re bordering on the edge of insanity. It’s just how Canadians are, and I think it needs to be stopped — for good.

Also, there are too many people from “Canadia” immigrating to the United States, and we must do something about this before we’re overrun with bad accents and beaver hats. Because none of the major candidates except Ralph Nader are talking about Canada, and because no one listens to Nader anyway, I would like to announce that I’m running for President of the United States. And I’m not going to let little things like “the minimum age requirement is 35” and “the election was yesterday” get in my way, either.

Sometimes I think people just get caught up with things like rules, and evidence, and facts, and they ignore the big picture — that Canada is threatening right at our front (or is it back?) door. I propose that instead of waiting for Canada to attack us, we invade them and steal all their natural resources, like, um, snow, and then dump all of the loot in North Dakota. Oh, and then we’ll build a giant wall, because it worked so well for the French in World War II.

So on Election Day, vote for me, because there’s no telling what our nasty neighbors to the North are capable of, especially the ones in Quebec. Electing me as president is the only way we’ll ever achieve a peaceful world where we can live together without fear for our lives and the lives of our pet lizards.

And speaking of fearing for our lives: I’m begging you, P Diddy, please spare me! To quote from one of your beautiful songs, “You the water in my life and I’m trapped in the desert.” Won’t ya help a brother out?

Jim’s absentee ballot got lost in the mail and now he’s running for his life. Don’t bother sending him e-mails — he’ll never get them ([email protected]).