I love the Internet — in my book, it’s the greatest invention since the piano key necktie. Think about it: if there was no World Wide Web, we would have to get up and walk into our neighbor’s room if we wanted to talk to them. Now that we can just instant message them, look at all the time that we save! With these extra seconds, one could do practically anything: “research” for a paper, play mindless games, or my favorite, find mail-order brides from Russia.
But seriously, with all the great stuff the Internet has to offer, it does have its drawbacks. Sometimes it seems as if all the freaks and weirdos are holding a giant, never-ending convention and there’s nothing we can do to stop it, like that recurring bad dream where the guy across the hall plays the same seven rap songs over and over every single day.
But if you take away all the freaks and weirdos, you still have all the stupid people —- millions and millions of stupid people. These are the people who believe FOX News is unbiased reporting at its finest and that astronauts really eat that freeze-dried “ice cream” they sell in gift shops.
They also think that Sweetest Day is an actual holiday, which it isn’t; in fact, there isn’t another holiday that screams “thought up to increase Hallmark’s profits 200 percent” more than Sweetest Day. What’s that? You say I’m prejudiced because I have never “kissed” a “girl” and can’t even talk to a girl without stuttering? Ha! That has absolutely nothing to do with this. Really.
But back to the Internet. Before it was invented, there was no way for these stupid people to be heard; now, anyone can post their half-baked ideas and it’s nearly impossible to tell if the author is credible. And by “nearly impossible,” I really mean “not hard at all.”
For example, my homepage is MSN.com, which, in addition to giving me important information about the whereabouts and culinary preferences of Johnny Depp, is also home to the Ideas Happen contest. In hopes of winning $25,000, people send in their brilliant invention ideas for the rest of the world to read, admire, and vote for — or, in my case, weep for humanity.
Yes, there are some good ideas from some very smart people — I’m sure that “ionizing window screens” and “oceanic electricity” will further the advancement of humanity and save the whales and all that good stuff — but what about the other ideas, the truly horrible ones? There are some ideas so atrocious, they should never have been thought up in the first place — and only I am brave (or stupid) enough to talk about them.
Take this idea from george49z in Raleigh, NC: “I want to make a product similar to an aerosol type canned cheese, only with peanut butter instead. I love eating that cheese with crackers, but I love peanut butter even more. If there existed an easy can peanut butter I would eat it constantly and stop buying easy cheese. I guess that’s about it.”
Yes, george49z, you win the “Worst Idea Ever” award. Don’t you think that the Easy Cheese people already came up with this idea but discarded it because it was so horrible? The whole point of peanut butter is for it to be thick and creamy and NOT like Easy Cheese (to those of you who read George’s idea and said to yourself, “Why didn’t I think of that?” — just no). I can’t think of anything that would taste worse, unless we talk about green ketchup.
This next idea isn’t actually that bad, it just fails miserably in the “Welcome to the Real World” category. An entrepreneur named ‘tblais’ from Fitchburg, MA, suggests: “I love popcorn, but hate the kernels. They get stuck in my teeth, gums, throat, and etc. My idea is to create a kernelless popcorn that will taste just like regular popcorn and will be made from regular corn. The only difference is that there won’t be any kernels.”
Sounds like a great idea, right? That is, until you realize that kernels are popcorn. That’s like saying you want to make raisins without using grapes, or dill pickles without using cucumbers, or mud pies without using dirt. You just can’t do it.
Hey, I have an idea! Let’s make a tree that grows money instead of leaves, because I really hate leaves! I’m sure with $25,000 we can make it happen! We just have to believe!
Am I crazy? Maybe — but perhaps I just need to work on this idea some more. In the mean time, I’ve got to get to the airport.
My mail-order bride should be here any day now…
Jim is accepting donations for the money tree. Send them to him at [email protected].
