How quickly hearts can change.

A year ago, I would have laughed at any of my friends who would go to auditions or try out for any reality-based television show. This year, I would have wished them good luck, but still make fun of them when they didn’t make it, because that is just the kind of loving friend I happen to be.

Why the unexpected change of heart, you ask? (I know my readers really don’t care at this point, but indulge me.)

Well, I went to Cleveland last weekend doing just that–auditioning for a reality-based television show.

ESPN is currently holding nationwide tryouts for second and third installments of their popular show “Dream Job,” where contestants audition to become a “SportsCenter” anchor.

I happened upon the “Dream Job” web site one night as I was looking up pornog–that is–Bible information on the Internet. Cleveland auditions were to be held on July 17 at Jillian’s Billiard Club in the Flats.

“This will be great,” I thought to myself. “I will go and audition, even though I have as much chance of winning the show as John Kerry has of moving his eyebrows. If I lose, then maybe I could write a column about my adventures.”

Saturday morning I drove to Jillian’s. I found the place despite the confusing roads of downtown Cleveland resembling several Kama Sutra positions.

The line was not as long as I had pictured–I was just the 79th person in line. The three hours standing outside went by faster as I spoke to other people in line. We discussed many things: world issues, economics, Szechwan cooking, domestic policies, the latest technology and “Police Academy” actor Steve Guttenberg. We did not talk about sports, because not many of us knew anything about it. (This paragraph is known in poker terminology as a “bluff.”)

I couldn’t believe all the knowledge these guys had about the world of sports. I thought I knew a lot, but maybe that is because I am comparing myself to my parents — who enjoy naps in the middle of my sports rants, since I have no one else with which to talk sports, since everyone is gone for the summer.

At about 1:30 in the afternoon it was our turn to go inside. They brought in groups of nine people, and our group sat down at a table. Each person had a folder in front of them, and inside was a sports knowledge quiz that we had eight minutes to finish. I got all of the questions right–if you throw out the questions I got wrong, such as the ones about Smarty Jones’s jockey and the name of the current coach of the Washington Wizards (“You mean they’re no longer called the Bullets?”).

The next phase was even more intense, not to mention what it did to my self-esteem. The nine of us went upstairs, and we were to debate about sports topics in front of ESPN’s own Al Jaffe, one of the “Dream Job” judges — his regular job consists of hiring all the on-air talent for ESPN. It’s safe to say he is an intimidating man, but since I saw him in person, he ain’t so tough.

They asked us questions about the NBA and the NHL–which gave me a good time to not say anything. We each had to be a play-by-play announcer for 30 seconds and recite our favorite sports memory, which was a blast for me since I have the eloquency of Foghorn Leghorn.

To say the least, being a “SportsCenter” anchorperson really isn’t my dream job anymore. It’s a lot of hard work, and you have to look good on TV all the time. That is something I simply could not do, and that is why I have a great newspaper visage. After watching the first “Dream Job” winner Mike Hall, who debuted on “SportsCenter” this week, I am convinced that other people are better suited to be on “SportsCenter.” I am one of the countless males who were built to watch “SportsCenter” five times a day.

The trip was not a total loss. I ended up getting my anecdote that anchored this column, and I am now able to say that I am the only one from BG to audition for “Dream Job” this year. I say that with the utmost confidence, given that I didn’t see anyone there that I recognized. Conversely, nobody came up and told me that they loved my columns.

Although I think I heard Al Jaffe mumbled something under his breath about “that hippie jerk who wrote that one column making fun of Greeks.”

Console Matt from his failed audition by e-mailing him at [email protected].