Hey ladies, looking for some lovin’? Then listen up (guys too, if that’s your thing) and let me introduce you to the handsomest, most intelligent, and just plain nicest guy you’ll ever meet: Jude Law. Haha, but seriously, I’m here to talk about the guy that surpasses our beloved Jude in nearly every way: ME!
That’s right, ladies, I’m talking about the original pimp, the one and only Mac Daddy of the Honors Dorm, the man who practically invented the game of love itself. I know that this much is obvious just from my sexy picture above, but hear me out. Want rock solid proof? How about the fact that of all the fan mail I received for my last column, 100% was from females. Yeah, baby!
Ok, so I only got one email. But that one glorious message shows me two things: (1) “Emily,” you are the coolest person ever; and (2) I need to start paying more people to read my column.
If you haven’t guessed already, I’m really not a pimp or a ladies’ man, but it’s not so much a problem with me as it is the fault of every woman on this planet (zing!). One of the most important qualities that girls say they want in a guy is a sense of humor, but if this were true, I’d be living in the Playboy Mansion, and Hugh Hefner would be out on the street picking through the dumpster with Matthew Lesko.
You see, having a sense of humor means making fun of people, and girls hate it when you do that. In fact, they dislike it so much when you tease them that they will hit you as hard as they can, usually with large blunt objects.
After a while, they will just start hitting you for no good reason, until you start crying, and then they hit you again for being a sissy. This is what psychologists call an “abusive relationship,” otherwise known as “every relationship I’ve ever been in.”
Sometimes there are jokes too good to pass up, even if it means that the girl will never speak to you again. For example, the following conversation occurs regularly:
GIRL: Does this skirt/tutu/boa constrictor/sumo-suit make me look fat?
ME: Well, now that you mention it…
Note to guys: under NO circumstances are you to answer like that, unless for some reason you don’t want to live to take another breath. The proper response in this situation is always, “Yes, a little, but I love you for who you are, not what you look like!” This is guaranteed to win over her heart and is a great method for starting a long-term relationship. Girls love it when you tell them the truth!
Besides that age-old rhetorical question that strikes fear in the hearts of every man, there is another major difference that separates girls from guys that I just can’t seem to understand: movie preferences.
Girls love those sappy movies where two beautiful people fall in love, but for some reason they cannot spend the rest of their lives together and must move on. There is always a stupid reason for why they have to split up, like one of them is dying or has no chest hair or only has one earlobe.
Despite the absurdity of these situations, girls cry so much during these movies that a small manatee could drown (Note that manatees are marine animals and therefore cannot drown unless they forget their SCUBA gear. This disclaimer was written for those of you who treasure the lives of all animals everywhere and are willing to pose naked to protect animal rights: my email is below, you know what to do).
Since most guys do not even know how to spell “manatee,” they roll their eyes and wish they were seeing an action movie. Some of the best action movies usually involve robots that look like the “Gubernator” fighting billions of other robots in an attempt to prevent the Browns from actually winning a football game. If only these robots knew that they didn’t need to fight…
But seriously, I have a great idea for a movie that would appeal to both guys and girls: two robots fall madly in love with each other, but they are not destined to be together because they must duel to the death in order to save the world from having to watch movies such as “The Notebook.”
Yes, I said it. Now I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that I will receive dozens of emails from angry readers that say something like, “How could you mention that horrible movie ‘The Notebook’ and not rip on ‘A Walk to Remember’?”
To those readers, I say: there are only so many hours in a day. And to the girl who is hitting me right now with a shovel: I didn’t mean it!
Jim is busy running away from his many admirers. Send him love notes at [email protected].
