I am a recovering MWT, or Messer with Texas.

As recently as last month, I used to mess with Texas on a regular basis.

As a consequence I received my fair share of beatings from Texas, but like a fool I continued to mock her ways. Her big cowboy hats, funny accents and lack of adequate education all seemed silly to me in my ignorant days.

But now I have seen the light, and Texas, I am sorry baby. I never meant to hurt you, and all I am asking now is for a little forgiveness. I know now that your way is noble, and what a fool I have been to hurt you.

So, my resolution to you baby dearest, is to stop my evil ways and become a Republican.

I know you have asked me many times before, but like I have said, I was blinded by thoughts and intellect.

And I am not just doing this for you honey, ever since I heard that “little” Texas is on the way, I realized it is my duty to make the world a better place for our little future oil tycoon.

Being so young myself, I was not ready to do the work necessary, but now I am.

I am ready to lock up dirty drug addicts and throw away the key. Of course this does mean that Rush Limbaugh will have to go too, but rules are rules, right honey? Well, OK, I’ll make an exception for Rush, after all, he is named after my favorite foreign band. He is no Tim McGraw though, I’ll tell you something.

Next, I know I will have to make more room for whitey. There is really not enough space left in America for some nice young fellows to swing their assault rifles around without bumping into someone of “color.”

This also means, I will have to petition my local representative to make it harder for dirty foreigners to penetrate your borders. Nothing short of fingerprinting, illegal detention and racial profiling for you baby.

Now I want our little corporate scandalist to grow up right. That means I will be petitioning for the abolition of all non-Christian religions.

After all, this is not the land of tolerance and peace. I mean, haven’t these fellas ever read the darn Bible? There is God’s way or no way, and its our duty to force that on these heathens. Says so in the Bible, dearest. Heck, this is where good Christian people prosper, not no A-rabs and polygamists.

If only God could see these boys kissin’ themselves. I’m sure he would cast them straight to the boiler room, eh honey?

And another thing, this foul-mouthed language has gone too far, don’t you think dearest?

Next thang ya know, people be cussing in the Senate building an everythang. After all, this country ain’t nothing, if it ain’t built on the values that white people decide.

And from now on, I will have no tolerance for killers.

I only think its fair if we kill them right back, that’s how people learn. Maybe next time they won’t do it again. What was that, not so tough? Now dearest, you have to be firm with these here criminal type folk. If we ain’t tough, next thing ya know, they’ll be skippin’ out on the army, and doing business with foreign terrorist nations like Iran, even when our government says not to.

Yep dear, I want our sons to go out into their own, and bring thangs back to the good ol’ days.

Once our Republican sons are born, there will be less sinnin’, and mo’ prayin’, in this world, I tell you what boy. But not our daughters!

They will be taught to stay back at home and make dinner. Ain’t no place for women out there. I’ll teach ’em to respect they husband, and stand behind him.

Just like, oh now whats er name honey, La.. Laur…Laura whats ‘er face. She knows where a woman’s place is.

Uh, huh Texy, when your sons change the world, the world’ll be thankful that we forced this on ’em.

At first, they may hate us, but hate breeds respect, least that’s what dear ol’ daddy used to say. They’ll respect us, that’s for darn sure. Any day now dear, the sons of Texas will make us proud.

—Caution: The views of this article do not necessarily reflect the views of the author—