Look out, beer companies. You have competition.

A month ago I wrote that the erectile dysfunction pills (Viagra and Levitra) would develop a marketing campaign to dethrone your reign of popularity at the top. I was wrong, and I never should have doubted you. Indeed, the sex pill is no match for your rich, full-bodied blend of hops and barley.

However, while your companies bicker about who is the “President of Beers,” another industry will remove your stranglehold on the “President of Beverages” title.

Will it be a trendy soft drink? Pepsi and Coca-Cola have introduced drinks with half the sugar and that “same great taste” in Pepsi Edge and C2, respectively. Will they become the new standard for nightlife drinking? No, your commercials would suggest otherwise.

I’m afraid you’re thinking too much, yet again. Think simpler. Think the kitchen sink.

Think water.

“Water?” you may laugh. “Nobody will choose water over alcohol! People may be dumb, but they’re not that dumb!”

Oh really, Augie Busch?

This new commercial I saw would go contrary to what you say. It was set in an Irish-style pub, and everyone was drinking water instead of beer. It was an Aquafina commercial, and all the actors seemed very happy. They were even singing, which is the penultimate indication that people who buy your products will automatically be happy.

If that’s not enough proof for you, the narrator then said, “The more water you drink, the better you feel! Make your body happy, drink more water!” It may or may not be true, but since it was on TV, the audience must be capable of believing it. After all, that’s the principle to which all of your beer commercials have adhered, right?

It was so simple, it even took me this long to think of it. I figured you guys would have already had a clever ad campaign to quash the water industry by now, but I guess not.

Water is the universal solvent. It’s free. Walk into any decent bar or nightclub and ask for water. He’ll gladly give you a cup, fill it with water, and even give you ice–free of charge! If you ask for a beer, he’ll pull one out of the fridge and charge you, say, three bucks. Either way you’ll be happy because you’re with your friends in a social setting, and either way you’re gonna strike out with that brunette sitting in the corner who can put both of her legs behind her neck.

Excess consumption of water has only one bad consequence. It makes your bladder throb worse than a teenager at a midnight screening of “Catwoman.” This side effect comes with consumption of any beverage, even–yes, sadly–beer.

Aquafina has yet to capitalize on the subliminal messages your commercials masterfully use (i. e., “Drinking beer will make Carmen Electra want your bod”). However, the water industry has only launched this one commercial. Their campaign is still in the fledgling stage. Give them time, and you alky-hol bigwigs will be fermenting in your own vats before you know it.

I can see you starting to sweat. You spent billions of dollars on commercials over the years, and the universal solvent bottlers will–and this is the worst pun I have ever devised–drink you under the table.

The numbers don’t lie, either. CTV.ca reports that Americans drank 83 liters of beer per person in 2002, which equates to roughly 4.9 billion gallons as an aggregate for 270 million people in the United States. That’s impressive, but the water boys have got you licked. The Los Angeles Times says that Americans guzzle 6.4 billion gallons of bottled water–a number that leaves out both tap water and accidentally-swallowed pool water.

Water never goes bad. Water doesn’t have an expiration date. Water is less filling. Water never has that “watered down” taste (think about that one for a minute). Water never tastes bad–if it does, then your well is sitting too close to your septic tank. If you spill water, it won’t stink for days. No frat guy has ever gotten in trouble for drinking too much water.

If you drink beer, you get drunk and might get yourself hurt. If you don’t, you’re smart. If you drink water, you’re happy. If you don’t drink water, you die. If you had to pick one of the other, which would you choose?

You’d choose, beer, huh? Well, I wouldn’t expect a smart answer from a corporate CEO.

E-mail Matt at [email protected].