The Summer Olympics come to a close on Sunday, and fears of explosions didn’t come true, unless you count our basketball team. Also, local boy Devin Vargas of Toledo failed to win a medal in boxing, despite a great run to the quarterfinals. On the plus side, Americans are now about 0.000004 percent more aware of souvlaki, whatever the devil that is.
As I watched the Olympic coverage on NBC (Olympic motto: “If you haven’t already read it on Athens2004.com, it’s new to you!”), I only had one thought in my head as I watched gymnasts tumble and sprinters bite their gold medals:
Somewhere in the Olympic Village, two people are having sex.
It’s not a big secret. Durex, a condom company (look at me — telling BG of all places who Durex is!), donated 130,000 of their signature product to the Olympic village.
Durex marketing dude Mark Critchley even announced, “As the official supplier of condoms and lubricants, we hope the donation will help athletes improve their achievements between the sheets.” It should be noted that Critchley said nothing about action on pool tables, washing machines, pole vault pits or pommel horses.
How rampant are these — how shall we put this — casual training sessions?
In an interview of the September edition of Playboy, Olympic high jumper Amy Acuff said, “One of the big misconceptions is that every athlete is 100 percent serious about being there. A number of athletes in the Village — people who know they don’t have a chance — are there to have a party.”
Hey, if you’re not getting paid, you might as well be getting laid.
If Acuff speaks the truth (and who these days doesn’t listen to blonde chicks?), why are we not showcasing the skills of these randy athletes?
Let’s make sex an Olympic sport.
First, we need to establish that sex is a sport. Indeed, it requires energy and physical duress. Many of the feelings after sex compare to those after — say — lifting heavy weights. Your legs are tired, your brow is covered in sweat and you don’t feel like doing it again for a while.
Sex has technique, rhythm, atmosphere and emotion. Sex is nothing more than gymnastics, provided that the men and women compete at the same time and the girls are at least 18 years old.
This leads us to believe that sex as a sport would require judging. Volunteers, anyone?
Obviously it will never happen, because nobody listens to me — except you, my loyal readers. However, if it were a sport, parents would shield the young’uns from watching it, which is fine. NBC would probably broadcast it tape delayed it at 2:30 a.m. Finally, network television would be able to hang with the late night softcore pornography on-campus students pay in their tuition to watch.
Even if sex isn’t a sport, all of this olympiad’s events parallel sexual encounters. Tennis players grunt anytime they backhand the ball. Volleyball players hug each other in the sand. Track stars accidentaly come out of the starting block too quickly — dare we say “prematurely”?
There are some issues that need to be addressed first (besides the obvious one: “When did the BG News’ Opinion Editor become such a perv?”). Some athletes are married and some are holding out until marriage. There’s the AIDS issue, the issue of decreasing morals, potential drug scandals (maybe we should ban Enzyte?), the awkward decision of whether or not to talk afterwards, the decision of whether or not to make gay or lesbian sex part of the equation and the pressure of calling the next day. (By the way, the answer to the obvious question is, “I’m not getting any and all of my friends are.”)
The ancient Athens games had participants who competed in the nude. And haven’t we been hearing all this talk about returning to our old values?
