We have drugs that make you high. We have drugs that get you up. Yet in the generation that utilizes the double-entendre, none of these drugs give you an erection when properly toked.
Thankfully, major pharmaceutical companies (“the big farms”) have taken care of that business, so that middle-aged men could take care of theirs.
Since the sex pill industry has become one of the most — dare I say — fertile industries, it has quickly built a competitive market and a clever ad campaign. Of the four most popular hardening agents (Viagra, Levitra, Cialis and Enzyte), Viagra seems to be the early front runner.
Granted, it was the first pill of its kind, but it has garnered some of the most unprecedented sponsors, such as Bob Dole (the less said about this, the better).
Race car driver Mark Martin is a spokesman for Viagra, and that little blue pill is the sponsor for his No. 6 NASCAR vehicle. It’s not a very smart move. He has only won one race in the past two years, but that’s because his Viagra car takes a few hours to reach full speed.
Baseball player Rafael Palmeiro is another Viagra spokesman. He’s one of a handful of players to ever hit 500 homeruns in their career, and in the commercials he admits he takes Viagra. (Dirty joke alert) Some ballplayers are great hitters with two strikes in the count, but Palmeiro is arguably the best hitter in the game whenever he has two balls.
Viagra’s ad campaign has — smirk — risen to a new level. Now they are wheeling and dealing, thanks to the new Value Card, which makes every seventh prescription free. Perhaps you’ve seen this Viagra TV spot: several men are outside jumping for joy to the tune of “We Are the Champions.” Apparently it’s cheaper to use Queen’s songs in lieu of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s.
The restraint in Viagra’s quest to — um — rectify everyone in the world is that “Viagra is not for everyone,” its ads say. These pills are available by prescription only — except Enzyte, but that’s not for ED, it merely makes you as happy as Smiling Bob. As a result, guys carry out their get-laid-tonight schemes through the most popular over-the-counter sex drug — alcohol.
Before Pfizer attempted make the average middle-aged man less “Pflaccid,” blue-collar men were using alcohol to achieve erections in an entirely different way — e. g., getting the girl drunk enough so she would be up for a roll in the hay.
Alcohol is more popular than ever (duh), and its ad campaigns are without a doubt the most enjoyed commercials. They peddle their beverage in a humorous fashion, but they all hint to the same thesis — drinking beer will increase your chances with pretty women.
Of course, the difference between the subtleties of beer commercials and nookie pill commercials is that beer promises sex with gorgeous strangers and penis pills promise sex with your attainable wife. Still, the overall message is the same — nothing makes a man happier than playing “hide the salami” with a consenting female.
I envision that one day Viagra — and similar products — will come off prescription. They will discover a method of increasing blood flow to the penis without — oh I don’t know — the risk of getting a heart attack in the middle of the action. When that day comes, I know exactly what will happen, because I am a college-aged white male: the beer industry and the sex pill industry will duke it out.
Personally, I can’t wait for this. It will become the largest race to make all the dudes in the United States buy products that will help satisfy their primal urge to tap that female posterior.
It might be called “The Pill vs. The Pint.” All the beer companies will team up and try to sell their product over ED pills. I picture the Budweiser Lizards speaking ill of Viagra: “Hey Lou, you know that little blue pill? Almost gave me a heart attack!”
Of course, Viagra and Viagra-esque pills will strike back with commercials depicting what really happens to guys who drink: they stumble home, urinate in their Dockers and — most importantly — strike out with attractive women.
Guys will empty their life savings purchasing either product, because every male’s tragic flaw is their craving for some good old-fashioned lovin’. Of course, all the guys will go bankrupt, since both ad campaigns are inherently misleading. Women will not take to the boys’ efforts to fling their panties across the bedroom in a fit of lust.
The women will own all the money, and therefore have all the power in the world. We will become their slaves (not the good kind) and live in a world where Oprah is God and Buffalo Wild Wings are replaced with Bed Bath ‘ Beyonds.
Therefore, I implore my fellow male chauvinists out there: we cannot let this happen. Stop drinking beer and taking Viagra. We are digging our own grave.
If that doesn’t make you soft, nothing will.
E-mail Matt with comments at [email protected].
