Allow me to be Jan Brady for a minute — I need to vent about the latest fad:

“Atkins Atkins Atkins!”

There, I feel a little better.

You might be wondering why I’ve grown weary of the Atkins diet craze. You might write me off as a cynical, troubled college student who is just trying to ruin everyone else’s fun.

Well, I am. But in this instance, I’m right.

Like bugs to a light, Americans have flocked to the Atkins Diet in the past few months. Americans have achieved the speedy slimming effects that the diet boasts.

Funny thing, though. We all know what happens to those bugs when they get too close to the light. What do you think might happen to those crazy dieters?

Of course they won’t all die … or will they? (Cue the scary but intriguing musical ditty.)

My quest to understand the Atkins Diet began when I haphazardly keyed “atkins.com” into my imperfect computer. Sure enough, that was the official website.

I was impressed with the layouts and colors of the site. I also learned that Atkins is not a diet, but rather a “nutritional approach.” How rude and politically incorrect of me.

Overall, the propaganda littered on the site was very well-written and could have easily convinced me to try the Atkins Nutritional Approach.

The problem is that the site didn’t account for stubborn mofos like me, so I didn’t take.

My quest continued to another website, affectionately named “atkinsdietsucks.com.”

“Finally,” I thought. “A site for me.”

Turns out it isn’t an anti-Atkins website. It’s just an attempt to “explore the world’s love/hate relationship with the Atkins diet,” the site says. The webmaster is on the diet — er, nutritional approach — and he says he has a sense of humor about the nutritional approach’s less glamorous points.

He says his website is funny, but to put it a nice way, atkinsdietsucks.com is the opposite of funny. I moved on in my quest.

I took a break by going to an anagram webpage, and I typed in “Atkins.” What I learned is that “Atkins” is actually an anagram for “I stank.”

OK, the cheap humor is out of the way. Moving on.

I Googled “net carbs,” only to get a pop-up ad for Jake’s Carb Manager, which was some kind of diet pill. Because the blatant advertising was so effective, I ended up buying several cases of the stuff, primarily because the girl on the ad was so cute and trim that I figured if I chugged the pills, she might go out with me.

Gosh, this quest is harder than I thought. I know I’m right that this “nutritional approach” isn’t perfect, yet I don’t want all these impressionable Americans to be destroyed by the bug zapper.

I would consider this Atkins craze to be a fad, so some people might think that even if nothing is done, the craze will die down.

Um, they said that about reality television. Yet two “Joe Milllionaire” seasons later, we’re still suffering through it.

How can I get it through their gullible heads that the Atkins Nutritional Approach is severely flawed?

I have four possible solutions:

1. I could tell them that restricting one’s diet is not a healthy choice. The Atkins Nutritional Approach is geared towards substituting carbohydrate and sugar intake with other nutrients, such as fiber, protein and fats. This means that delicious bread, pasta, potato and fruit products are out of the question, if not limited.

This means no more chocolate bagels from Panera. No more fettuccine alfredo from Carraba’s. No more curly fries from Arby’s. Good lord, no more strawberry milk!

2. I could tell them that Dr. Robert Atkins, the author of “Dr. Atkins’ New Diet Revolution” and mastermind behind the Atkins Nutritional Approach, died with a weight of 258 pounds, according to a document retrieved by The Smoking Gun. Granted, the medical report would be distorted if I simply state that fact and fail to mention a bunch of other sophisticated medical stuff, but where’s the fun in that?

3. I could go the more mature route and state that organizations such as the American Heart Association and the American Cancer Society have released their takes on low-carb diets (such as Atkins) as being “high-risk.” In short, they recommend that overall balanced diet — you know, the one with that spiffy food pyramid you had to memorize in seventh grade health class, where carbohydrates are at the bottom.

This may be the most salient argument against the Atkins Nutritional Approach, but the next one may be quite possibly the most fun one.

4. I could follow in the footsteps of Joseph McCarthy, the former Wisconsin senator who, in the early 1950’s, accused several people in the government of being communists. All I have to do is claim that the Atkins Nutritional Approach is a byproduct of several communist leaders.

“If you are taking the Atkins Nutritional Approach, you are supporting communism,” I could say. “Maybe even terrorism!”

It wouldn’t be true, but if they fell into a craze, they can rise back out of it through the same type of scare tactics.

At this point, I believe I have said everything I wanted to say about the Atkins Nutritional Approach. My quest ends here.

Now I want to take this time and share my hopes that the girl who appeared in the “Jake’s Carb Manager” pop-up ad is reading this and is willing to go out with me.

Share your love or hate with the Atkins Nutritional Approach at [email protected].