So this is the holiday season. There’#39;s Thanksgiving, or ‘Turkey day’ to the lay person. I don’#39;t know if I could tell you how many times in the past five days I’#39;ve had someone say to me, ‘How was your Thanksgiving?’
And I’#39;ll say, ‘It was good, but I don’#39;t really like turkey,’ and every single time the person has said, ‘Yeah, me neither.’ No one likes turkey, yet it’#39;s the symbol of one of the most widely celebrated holidays in America. That’#39;s pretty weird when you think about it. That makes about as much sense as eating Brussels sprouts for Sweetest Day, or liver for Secretaries Day.
And think about it, aside from lunch meat, turkey is something that you basically have once a year. It’#39;s not like you have it every week, and then Thanksgiving rolls around, ‘Oh no, not turkey again, that’#39;s what we have every other Thursday.’ I mean, think about it, when’#39;s the last time your mom plopped a turkey down on the table in the middle of the summer and said, ‘Happy Bastille Day everyone!’
Part of the reason for this is the fact that it takes forever to make. My grandma starts thawing the bird after Labor day, cooking takes about 27 hours per pound, and there’#39;s that mystic dance you have to do to honor Yelik, the pagan god of turkey. All of that for something that no one even likes (note: Grandma, that isn’#39;t a commentary on your turkey, I’#39;m saying that’#39;s how it is for everyone). It just seems like an unnecessary burden. I submit Thanksgiving be turned into a Pheasant holiday.
Then there’#39;s the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday, it’#39;s the biggest shopping day of the year. I don’#39;t understand why they call it Black Friday. Seems like it should be called Green Friday. A few people have said to me, ‘No Josh, it’#39;s called that because there are huge crowds, and it’#39;s bad for the shoppers.’ First of all, DUH! Second of all, if it’#39;s so terrible for people to go shopping because of the crowds, why go? It’#39;s not like anyone is holding a gun to their head.
I see people on the news being interviewed, and they seem like they’#39;re having fun. It’#39;s always the lead story on the news too. They show a line outside of a Circuit City at the crack of dawn, and interview the people who are out there. It’#39;s Not News, when you really think about it; or at least, it’#39;s not the top story … and yet, every single year, it is. And I live in a suburb of Columbus. There is no way that the biggest thing going on is people shopping. I mean, seems like there’#39;s gotta be a murder, or a stabbing, or something else.
Then the news does these other stories, and they interview all of these experts: ‘Americans will spend 87 zillion bagillion dollars this holiday season.’
And I have always wondered how they know this. It would be one thing if they told us last year’#39;s numbers, but they tell us this year’#39;s numbers before shopping season has really even started.
I saw a ‘news’ story that was talking about gift cards, and the reporter said, ‘But one of the flaws with gift cards is the fact that people usually end up spending more than what is on the card.’ Who doesn’#39;t know that? What other clandestined secrets of the retail industry are they going to tell us, ‘Free samples of foods are given in the hopes that people will like them, and then buy the product?’
Gift cards are always good to get for Christmas. But you know what’#39;s even better than those? Money. I like to think of it as a universal gift card.
I honestly believe that the reason some people will give gift cards instead of money is because they think giving money seems kind of cold, and like they didn’#39;t take the time to actually go out and get something for you. Honestly, does anyone care? I mean, who would get money for Christmas or their birthday, and think ‘How dare they give me this money, this shows a complete lack of effort on their part. I don’#39;t really even want this.’ Especially when gift cards obviously took so much thought and effort to pick up. The worst is when you get one to some obscure place that you never ever shop at. I once got a gift card to the JoAnn Fabrics. Completely pointless.
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