The Christmas season is almost upon us, in case you haven’t noticed from the hordes of retailers trying to shove furry clothing items down the throats of helpless consumers. I don’t know about everyone else, but I can only take so many commercials featuring singing, smiling, perfectly dressed models who try to get me to buy “cutesy-wutesy” fuzzy hats before I’m forced to do something drastic, like chug Drano until I lose feeling in my fingers.
Coincidentally, this has recently become a holiday tradition at my house — it’s like alcoholism, but fun for the whole family!
Speaking of family, I am reminded of the always exciting annual tradition of gift-giving, which for some reason always happens on Christmas Day. I’m sure there is a reason for this, but I honestly have no idea why. I mean, it can’t be religious, so what does that leave? Maybe Christmas has no real meaning (gasp!) and is actually a sham perpetuated for hundreds of years by a secret underground organization bent on commercializing every aspect of our lives!
Nevermind, that’s just the Drano talking. But all sarcasm aside, gift-giving is a highly advanced art form that takes people many years to master. And by “people” I mean “women”, because everyone knows that if there’s anything we guys are helpless at, it’s buying gifts. And fixing things. And cooking. Ok, so maybe we lack what could be called “useful skills” that would help us “do stuff,” but that’s hardly a strike against us. Being good at things is just not our forte, so we certainly shouldn’t be expected to come up with amazing gift ideas.
Likewise, girls, it’s just not fair to expect us to remember silly things like your birthday, or the date of our anniversary, or even your name. Our memories are so advanced and complex that we couldn’t possibly retain such trivial information without losing those truly important memories, such as the scores of every single game in the 1985 Chicago Bears championship season or the number of quarterbacks the Bears have played over the last five years (87).
Ladies: Remember this the next time you happen to open a present from one of us guys and it turns out to be exactly what you wanted. It was either an accident or a miracle and it will never happen again, not in a million years. To the guys: This is the shining moment in your life, so milk it for all it’s worth. Remind your girl of how amazing you are at every opportunity, but no more than two times every hour. Any more and it could be considered excessive, like drinking seven bottles of eggnog at the same time.
But now that you’ve tasted success, you want more, right? That’s why I’m here–to give you some helpful holiday hints for finding that perfect gift. If you just follow these few simple rules, the women in your life will be swooning all over you in no time, or something like that.
Rule #1: Never buy jewelry. That’s right, I said it. Forget everything you think you know about what women want, and pay attention to this: They don’t want jewelry. They say they do, but you can’t listen to them! It’s like a complex double meaning thing, and if you aren’t careful, they’ll sucker you into buying them beautiful gold bracelets and diamond rings and large brown stone earrings that cost more than the gross national product of Angola. I mean, think about it: What did the wise men bring Jesus when he was born? Jewelry? I don’t think so — more like olive oil and assorted vegetable dips.
Rule #2: Women love getting dish soap. Haha, just kidding! Most women will already have a plentiful supply of dish soap, but what they won’t tell you is that they need rubber gloves. After all, who wants to have pruny fingers and dishpan hands? No one. So do your girl a favor for the coming holidays and let her know that you really care by getting her some deluxe quality rubber gloves; that way she can do the dishes in style!
Rule #3: Don’t wrap your gift. This is probably the most important rule and the most-often overlooked. Let’s face it guys: Gift-wrapping is not among our talents. We’re not even mediocre at it. So rather than fumbling around with wrapping paper and tape and ribbons and bows and sharp pointy objects, just throw your carefully chosen gift into a plastic bag and toss it under the tree. That way she can open it quicker and you can start reminding her of how awesome you are even earlier. You could pay money to have someone wrap it, but that’s just cheating. And besides, wouldn’t you rather spend that extra cash on yourself? You’ve earned it, after all — gift buying is hard work.
If all else fails, nothing says “I love you” like a Marathon gift card.
Jim is hoping that this year will be the year that Santa finally stops bringing him coal. Send him a ‘gift’ at [email protected].
