ManBearPig will kill us all!

When I first heard this I thought, “Oh Noes!!1!1 We are all dewmed!”

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m talking about global warming, the mythical cousin of Bigfoot and Chupachabra.

In case you were too busy swilling down Al Gore’s Kool-Aid, many new developments have happened in this great debate.

Debate is an inappropriate descriptor. By debate I mean fascist, psychotic fearmongering that is being countered by rational facts.

First, the poles (not the people, the places) are actually gaining ice. The Arctic regained all of the ice it lost over the past year. In Antarctica, many places have the largest amount of sea ice on record. Looks like things are going to be OK.

Is it possible that the melt is a lot of BS hype, filmed by people who went to the poles in the summer when there is always melting?

Those poor little polar bears that drink Coke and drown in “An Inconvenient Truth” are increasing in number. I won’t even go into the fact that they can swim nearly 100 miles.

They are now so numerous that folks in Greenland have to have bear patrols, and close schools when the bears come into town.

What can explain this? Well, if global warming is at fault, then global warming is a good thing since the polar bears are increasing. Also, these kind, cuddly creatures are now being able to interact with more children, and that’s just plain nice.

Or, there is more sea ice in the Arctic, which is forcing the polar bears to find food on land since the sea is choked with ice.

The most interesting fact in recent scientific discovery is something that Hadley, NASA’s Goddard Institute for Space Studies, the University of Alabama at Huntsville and the Royal Statistical Society have all documented.

The average global temperature from January 2007 to 2008 has decreased by .595 degrees Centigrade. In fact, this documented change is the biggest change (high or low) ever recorded in history.

Despite my very shoddy science and math skills .595 C is about 1.07 degrees Fahrenheit. Now from my recollection, this is more than enough to negate most of the 20th century warming based upon what Al Gore told me.

Maybe this is a random anomaly, like many of you out there are going to say, but you do have to agree this is on hell of a change. If we can have anomalies this big, then we could easily have lots of smaller ones.

Instead of reason, we have taken the word of weathermen who can’t even 100 percent-predict next week’s weather. Too bad that the “climate model” only works when one doesn’t factor solar heavy output and clouds.

I think the thing that provides us with heat (the sun) and the material that is a more effective and more numerous greenhouse gas (water vapor) are very important in affecting our climate.

I could go on about other parts of science, but a thing most won’t care to do is look at the money trail.

When Al Gore goes from about $3 million in assets in 2000, to nearly $35 million in 2008 and runs Capricorn Investment Group LLC, a “green” hedge fund, methinks he is in this for the money.

If this were such an emergency, why is he charging $175,000 to speak? So in order to hear the prophet speak, we need to have money.

Well instead of seeing him in person, I can watch his 2.5-hour-long MacBook advertisement.

Then, I am encouraged to use CFLs; the stupid little twisty lights that are going to save energy. Too bad they contain mercury.

Yes, the same mercury that people freak-out about in fish and water are OK when they are contained in a very fragile object kids are always around.

In some states, the bulbs have to be disposed of with hazardous materials, and if one happens to break on your carpet, you are advised to cut that contaminated piece out.

Explain to me how we can save the world by using hazardous waste? If this is the case, you can keep your mercury, I’ll keep my oil.

Let’s face it, the idea of global warming has proven itself to be as useful as a tissue paper condom. Once it undergoes pressure it falls apart, leaving one feeling stupid for supporting and buying into it.

They might as well try and get Billy Mays to sell ManBearPig. Maybe Oxy-Clean can reduce CO2 since that stuff is really cool.

Now this discourse has devolved into everything being global warming’s fault.

If it’s too hot, cold, windy, sunny, cloudy, zombies attacking or just plain nice out, you can be sure global warming had something to do with it.

I think the founder of the Weather Channel has it right when he thinks Al Gore should be brought up on charges of fraud.