Like any thrill seeker, I watch cable TV constantly. The great part about cable TV is the variety. There’s a channel for everything. You want to laugh? Watch Comedy Central. Cramming for a history test? The History Channel might help you out. There’s something for everyone, even the country bumpkins. They have TNN.

What I meant to say is they had TNN. Drag racing, fishing, hot rodding, and the ever popular “rassling” shows? Earlier this year you could have tuned in to The Nashville Network and watch those cool sprint cars that practically turn sideways when they slide into the turns. However, in a desperate attempt to emulate one of Ted Turner’s stations, TNN has sold out and has become The National Network.

Now what does the “New TNN” give us? No, they don’t show rodeos or even country music. We’re talking about syndicated TV shows that people allegedly like: Baywatch, Star Trek: the Next Generation, Miami Vice, Real TV, Judge Mills Lane, and Dukes of Hazzard. OK, that last one checks out. But this isn’t the TNN we know! Promos that feature Pamela Lee telling us to “watch the new TNN” just don’t settle well with me. Who gave her a speaking part?

Now that our brand spanking new TNN has become the poor man’s TBS, I realize what cable TV was meant to offer: choice. There’s a station for everything (even a channel that tells you what’s on other channels), and the southern folk just lost their home in the airwaves. Let’s take a look at what would happen if this trend were to continue.

Case Study 1: The Weather Channel. The sole purpose of this channel is to tune in for five minutes or so to see if any serious weather is coming your way. The local forecast is brought to you on the eights of every hour, accompanied by soothing elevator music. Now, imagine if the Weather Channel, in a desperate attempt to boost ratings, decided to also report news around the world along with a sports ticker at the bottom. Then the Weather Channel bigwigs threw out the John Tesh CDs that played during the local forecasts and gave us some Blink 182, Nelly, or heaven forbid, Staind. That would result in a pathetic mix of CNN and MTV.

Case Study 2: The Discovery Channel. Known for its continuous footage of different animals doing it, this channel is for those who like those furry creatures. I am not one of them. Suppose I, along with dozens of other cat jugglers, write to the Discovery Channel (or Animal Planet), demanding that they better take their filmed animals over to the Food Network or else we will see them in Court TV. Regardless of what we say, the Discovery Channel will never stop airing the natural mating process of the lower echelon of the food chain, and it probably won’t show the mating process of humans, either. That’s where the Spice Channel comes in.

Case Study 3: Lifetime. To put it simply, if this channel ever airs something that men are remotely interested in, then I suggest you stock up for the winter, because hell will have already frozen over.

So there you have it. A TV channel for any interest, whether it’s game shows, cartoons, golf, or watching congressmen try and find their seats on C-SPAN.I prefer to see which Cleveland Brown got arrested on ESPN. But Monday through Friday, when those delightful hicks turn on their TV sets and change the channel to TNN, they can only watch one thing: Hasselhoff.