Kids’ math, hurt feelings add up

Attention deficit disorder: if you believe the statistics, approximately 127 percent of the world’s population has it (except for Australians, because, really, they don’t count).

This presents a problem for aging “journalists” like myself, who find it increasingly harder to connect with younger, hipper readers who learned how to use a computer while in the womb.

So in an effort to win over today’s youth, I’ve switched my column format to a “three-dot buzz” style, which is fancy-speak for “unconnected ramblings.” I hope you enjoy it (or at the very least, stop throwing things at me when I walk around the Union):

Hurt feelings

I know I’m a little late to the party with the whole “giving control of shipping ports to a Saudi company” thing, but I just find the whole situation very ironic.

Who could have predicted President Bush would stand up and say he’s worried the port incident would hurt “relations” with the Middle East?

I mean, we’re talking about the person who decided to invade a country – IN the Middle East – and a few years later he’s worried they might get mad over a few ports? That’s like killing someone’s brother and then worrying about cheating them in a game of Parcheesi.

It all makes sense

Remember when you were a kid and you didn’t really understand the concept of numbers (if you’re like me, you still don’t), and so your teacher gave you a book that tried to explain them?

It was called “How Much Is A Million Zillion?” Or something, and all it did was explain large numbers with stupid concepts.

For example, say you want to know how large around the Earth is; you could look it up in this book and discover that it only takes seven hundred million frog legs lined up end to end to go around the world once.

This, of course, is completely useless information, even though when you’re a kid it seems to make complete sense.

I mean, can you imagine trying to give someone directions using that book? “Hey buddy, how far is it to Cleveland?” “Oh, I don’t know, about three zillion toasters?”