Don’t rent it. That’s all I have to say about the movie version of “Rent.” Not only was it the cinematic equivalent of a giant sea anemone being flushed down a toilet, but it was well over two hours long and cost me four dollars.
Obviously this sort of travesty cannot be tolerated – and I don’t throw that word around lightly. “Snow Dogs” was a bad movie and a disgrace to humanity … but it wasn’t a travesty.
To help alleviate my anger, I spent two months writing a remix script of the movie. I call it “Rent: All Drugged Up”
[Scene 1: The camera pans down amidst a bunch of angry people who are burning their leases and singing a song. There is a man on top of a Range Rover.]
HOMELESS MAN ON RANGE ROVER: I’m on a Range Rover. Hahaheeheehee.
TAYE DIGGS: Please get off my car or I’ll become slightly annoyed and perchance I might express my displeasure with you with a bit of mild language.
BLACK GUY #1: Ooh, listen to him, all high and mighty ’cause he works for a living!
WHITE GUY #1: I bet he “earns money” too. What a sellout.
TAYE DIGGS: So are you saying you’re not paying your rent?
WHITE GUY #2: Of course not; we’re bohemians, yo. Jobs are for suckers.
HOMELESS SQUEEGEE MAN: I have a squeegee.
[Scene 2: We learn that White Guy #2 has been trying for over a year to write a song. Also, he’s dating a druggie.]
WHITE GUY #2: Rat hat with a fat mat cat. How’s that sound?
GIRLFRIEND: I do drugs, yo.
[Scene 3: A lady dressed up in a cow costume is on stage for her “artistic performance.” Many people in the audience are excited by this for no reason.]
COW LADY: Mooooooooooo moo moo moo-moo.
AUDIENCE: Huzzah!
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Needs more cowbell.
[Scene 4: The friends celebrate the “performance” (and the ensuing riot) by having dinner at a restaurant.]
WHITE GUY #1: Let’s dance on a table and kiss each other and stuff!
BLACK GUY #1: Good idea!
COW LADY: Mooooo.
TAYE DIGGS: Hey cow lady, what’re you doing later tonight?
COW LADY: Not paying my rent, that’s what.
TAYE DIGGS: Damn.
[Scene 5: Trouble in paradise]
WHITE GUY #2: I’m so glad you don’t do drugs anymore. It’s kind of weird that you hang out with your former dealer all the time, though.
GIRLFRIEND: Haha, oh yeah, about that”
WHITE GUY #2: I’m moving to New Mexico and never coming back! And I’m taking my long blonde hair with me!
[Scene 6: Angel is supposed to die of AIDS, but I kept him alive because he’s cool as hell.
BLACK GUY #1: It sucks that Angel died, man. He was sweet.
ANGEL: I’m aliiiive!
TAYE DIGGS: So you gonna pay your rent?
ANGEL: I’m bohemian, yo.
[Scene 7: The GIRLFRIEND gets very sick and magically WHITE GUY #2 feels this in his soul. He returns to New York with a song.]
WHITE GUY #2: Your eyes / Your eyes / Your eyes / So beautiful / Your eyes / Your eyes / My eyes / THE END.
ANGEL: It took you a year to write THAT?
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Needs more cowbell.
Jim ([email protected]) is busy writing Snow Dogs 2: Unleashed.
