Don’t rent it. That’s all I have to say about the movie version of “Rent.” Not only was it the cinematic equivalent of a giant sea anemone being flushed down a toilet, but it was well over two hours long and cost me four dollars.

Obviously this sort of travesty cannot be tolerated – and I don’t throw that word around lightly. “Snow Dogs” was a bad movie and a disgrace to humanity … but it wasn’t a travesty.

To help alleviate my anger, I spent two months writing a remix script of the movie. I call it “Rent: All Drugged Up”

[Scene 1: The camera pans down amidst a bunch of angry people who are burning their leases and singing a song. There is a man on top of a Range Rover.]

HOMELESS MAN ON RANGE ROVER: I’m on a Range Rover. Hahaheeheehee.

TAYE DIGGS: Please get off my car or I’ll become slightly annoyed and perchance I might express my displeasure with you with a bit of mild language.

BLACK GUY #1: Ooh, listen to him, all high and mighty ’cause he works for a living!

WHITE GUY #1: I bet he “earns money” too. What a sellout.

TAYE DIGGS: So are you saying you’re not paying your rent?

WHITE GUY #2: Of course not; we’re bohemians, yo. Jobs are for suckers.

HOMELESS SQUEEGEE MAN: I have a squeegee.

[Scene 2: We learn that White Guy #2 has been trying for over a year to write a song. Also, he’s dating a druggie.]

WHITE GUY #2: Rat hat with a fat mat cat. How’s that sound?

GIRLFRIEND: I do drugs, yo.

[Scene 3: A lady dressed up in a cow costume is on stage for her “artistic performance.” Many people in the audience are excited by this for no reason.]

COW LADY: Mooooooooooo moo moo moo-moo.

AUDIENCE: Huzzah!

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Needs more cowbell.

[Scene 4: The friends celebrate the “performance” (and the ensuing riot) by having dinner at a restaurant.]

WHITE GUY #1: Let’s dance on a table and kiss each other and stuff!

BLACK GUY #1: Good idea!

COW LADY: Mooooo.

TAYE DIGGS: Hey cow lady, what’re you doing later tonight?

COW LADY: Not paying my rent, that’s what.

TAYE DIGGS: Damn.

[Scene 5: Trouble in paradise]

WHITE GUY #2: I’m so glad you don’t do drugs anymore. It’s kind of weird that you hang out with your former dealer all the time, though.

GIRLFRIEND: Haha, oh yeah, about that”

WHITE GUY #2: I’m moving to New Mexico and never coming back! And I’m taking my long blonde hair with me!

[Scene 6: Angel is supposed to die of AIDS, but I kept him alive because he’s cool as hell.

BLACK GUY #1: It sucks that Angel died, man. He was sweet.

ANGEL: I’m aliiiive!

TAYE DIGGS: So you gonna pay your rent?

ANGEL: I’m bohemian, yo.

[Scene 7: The GIRLFRIEND gets very sick and magically WHITE GUY #2 feels this in his soul. He returns to New York with a song.]

WHITE GUY #2: Your eyes / Your eyes / Your eyes / So beautiful / Your eyes / Your eyes / My eyes / THE END.

ANGEL: It took you a year to write THAT?

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Needs more cowbell.

Jim ([email protected]) is busy writing Snow Dogs 2: Unleashed.