Greek life never fails to amaze

Ah, Greek Week – a long and storied tradition that dates back to the Middle Ages, when groups of hairy men known as “crusaders” ran around in packs and volunteered to build straw huts for the less fortunate.

And by “build straw huts,” I actually meant “burned witches and heretics and asparagus,” because, as everyone knows, if there’s anything people in the Middle Ages hated more than witches, it was asparagus.

Sadly, this cruel tradition continues today. At any given time, several fraternities on campus can be found indiscriminately burning large piles of tasty vegetables.

Sound horrible? It most definitely is, but it’s nothing compared to the recent actions of several sororities. Thanks to an anonymous tip from my roommate’s brother George, this investigative reporter has uncovered some shocking news: just a few days ago, an unknown number of sorority girls did the unthinkable – they went to a club and (gasp) partied.

I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes, and these suckers are as good as gold. Plus, I was wearing my glasses.

But let’s not be too hasty in condemning these respectable and time-honored associations. As any fraternity or sorority member is quick to point out, Greek communities -do a lot of community service, like Dance Marathon, and, um ” well, Dance Marathon. They do Dance Marathon.

They also volunteer their time for other worthwhile pursuits. Recently I was made aware of a new organization founded by several fraternity brothers: the Save-A-Keg Foundation. Basically what these kind, considerate souls do is go around town on the weekends collecting half-empty kegs and “disposing” of them.

To think: before this charity existed, gallons upon gallons of perfectly good, untapped beer were simply wasted. For shame!

And when I say “brothers,” I mean brothers, yo. We’re not talking full-fledged blood relatives or anything, but come on: if you call someone “bro” enough times, you’re practically family.

After all, that’s what it’s all about, right? That incredible feeling of family – the same feeling you get at Thanksgiving because all your relatives secretly hate each other and no one says anything while the turkey’s being carved, but then when everyone gets drunk off cheap white zinfandel, all the hidden resentment comes pouring out and someone ends up on the ground with a black eye.

Or maybe it’s not anything like that at all.

Either way, no one appreciates the Greek community more than me. Every day when I walk past the Spirit Rock on my way to the Sundial, I think to myself, “How did they convince Jackson Pollock to come out here and paint this thing?”

And then I remember: Jackson Pollock is dead. Praise be to the Greeks, for they bring sunshine and splatter paint into my life. And lavaliers. They bring a lot of lavalieres, and although I have no idea what lavaliering is, it must be important.

But Greek life isn’t all fun in the sun: intramural leagues are serious business. Haha, just kidding! But really ” they are.

In fact, Greek life is mostly serious and full of creativity. Once you take out the “Tennis Pros and Hoes” parties, and the “Pimps and Hoes” parties, and the “Hoes, Hoes, and More Hoes” parties, all you have left is meetings. Lots and lots of meetings.

It seems like every day I see at least a dozen guys walking around very purposefully in suits and ties, no doubt on their way to another fraternity meeting.

I have no idea what goes on in those meetings, but my sources tell me that secret handshakes and code words like “medulla oblongata” are involved, and that excites me to no end.

The last time I was this excited, in fact, was back in second grade when I played clubhouse with the kids next door and our secret code word was “poop.”

Seriously, though, I imagine most of these meetings have to do with making business contacts and such, because, if you didn’t know, “approximately 85% of the top executives of Fortune 500 companies belong to a fraternity or sorority.”

That’s a mighty impressive statistic. You could take just about any big company, like, I don’t know, Enron, and a little research reveals that, yes, its CEO Kenneth Lay was a fraternity president.

What went wrong with him, you ask? Easy. He didn’t burn enough asparagus.

Jim ([email protected]) is an avid vegetable lover.