It’s a sad day in Washington. Tom “The Hammer” DeLay officially announced his resignation from Congress and as a tear rolls down my cheek I try to remember the good times.
Like in 1988, when he explained to a GOP convention why he didn’t serve in the Vietnam War, saying “So many minority youths had volunteered “there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself.”
Or when he deftly explained the Columbine massacre by noting “Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence. The causes of youth violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills.” Most recently, he asked some young hurricane Katrina evacuees at the Houston Astrodome, “Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?”
Yes, Tom will leave Congress as a great American hero.
DeLay, who was indicted in September 2005 for allegedly funneling illegal campaign contributions into the 2002 Texas state elections, allowing the Republican party to reorder the congressional district map in Texas and consolidate its majority in Washington, was forced to step down from his post as House Majority Leader.
Since then, he has become embroiled in the Jack Abramoff money laundering scandal, an entanglement which prompted him to resign from Congress. DeLay has denied any connection to Abramoff, though two of his former aides have admitted to committing crimes while in his employ.
But what will retirement be like for “The Hammer?” He’ll certainly have lots of time to spend with his defense attorneys. If he beats the charges perhaps he could release a feature film. “Kickback Mountain”: The money-laundering that dare not speak its name, starring Tom Delay and Jack Abramoff.
On the other hand, if he ends up in prison he will still be eligible to receive over a million dollars in government pension. In Congress, you get to keep the money you steal. Fortunately, fellow inmates can help the unabashed conservative gain a deeper understanding of “family values.” My advice to DeLay: As soon as you get to jail, steal someone’s fruit cup and start a riot to prove how crazy you are. Otherwise you may need to drastically alter your position on same-sex unions.
Interestingly, in the wake of DeLay’s resignation, the media has been asking which party this benefits. Apparently, Republicans think with DeLay out of the picture, Democrats have lost one of their favorite punching bags. Regardless of the fact that the corruption issue isn’t going away anytime soon, this type of analysis fails to get the point. When a corrupt government official goes down, it is good for the whole country. Whether it’s a Democrat or Republican, they deserve what they get and we are better off for it. However, it begs the question: How many clean politicians are left in Washington?
Last summer, Randall “Duke” Cunningham admitted to taking millions in bribes from defense contractors – money which bought him his fancy yacht, “Duke-ster.” While he tearfully begged for forgiveness in a televised press conference I wondered if all corrupt politicians have tough-sounding nicknames. It could be worth looking into and I have a feeling Congressman Johnny “Kickass” Sweeney (R-NY) could be in a lot of trouble.
The American Progress Action Fund has been fighting back against DeLay through their “Drop the Hammer” campaign since early 2005. Thus far, they have successfully managed to pressure Verizon Wireless, American Airlines, and Nissan to stop contributing to DeLay’s legal defense fund. They’re currently urging Bacardi and RJ Reynolds Tobacco, which gave $17,000 and a private plane ride to the embattled congressman, to do the same.
Over 20,000 people have signed their Web site’s online petition so far, yet Delay, who has amassed over $1.3 million, doesn’t seem to be hurting for cash.
Saying good-bye is hard, but somehow, the country will just have to move on without “The Hammer.” We’ll miss you Tom, and watch your back in jail.
Send comments to Jon at [email protected].
