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February 29, 2024

  • Danez Smith at AWP
    Richard Saker/Contour by Getty Images As we end Black History Month, here is one of my favorite poets, Danez Smith, who writes on intersectionality between their Black and Queer identities. At the Association of Writers and Writing Programs (AWP) conference in Kansas City, MO, I had the opportunity to personally meet Smith, and they are […]
  • Lying in Memoir
    Lauren Slater crafts diligent, depictive metaphors in narrative, and I hate her writing, simultaneously. Should there be lying in memoir? In her book, Lying: A Metaphorical Memoir (2000), Slater crafts lies from epilepsy to nunneries to doctor visits and proposed peer reviewed theses to AA meetings. However, within these lies, she allows us to question […]
Spring Housing Guide

Try to avoid becoming a geezer immediately

What does graduation mean? It means no more microwaveable Mac ‘n Cheese. It means saying goodbye to Natty Light and hello to high-quality beers, like Coors or Miller Light, or dare I say Budweiser. It means big-bottom women and penthouse apartments filled with exotic fruits.

Graduation unfortunately also means moving away from home, finding your own place to stay, getting a job and working your way up to middle management and a crappy Christmas bonus.

Sound bleak? It is. To borrow a line from “Fight Club,” “Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh* ‘ we don’t need.”

Basically, that’s what life has to offer from now on: a job most students will end up hating, a mortgage, a sub-par marriage and possibly kids and the bills that they bring. Some of us have already experienced the awfulness that is the workplace during summer, spring, or fall internships.

However, what’s even worse than all the potential stress that comes with graduating and getting a job, is graduating and not being able to find a job. For those students, here is one piece of simple but very useful advice: Think of some quick quip to say to people that ask what you’re up to now that you’ve graduated.

For example, working on your master’s degree or curing cancer. My favorite is to say “Hey look, what’s that behind you!” And when they turn, run and hide like a little girl.

So how can graduates deal with all of this stress? Try to stay as young as you can for as long as you possibly can. This doesn’t mean suckling off the teets of your parents for as long as possible. It just means don’t be in any hurry to grow up.

Take a look at your parents. Do you really want to take on the furrows of worry that your mother and father have? Does a mortgage sound fun?

Graduates should stick with their hobbies. Keep exercising. Enjoy your freedom and economical independence before someone starts depending on you. And perhaps most important: Stay in contact with your friends.

Once again, students should take a look at their parents. How often do they get to hang out with their friends? Do they still have friends left? Unfortunately, growing old is only a race to Lonelytown. So why try to hurry down that path as quickly as possible? Students should take their time growing up.

My last piece of advice to graduates is this: Do what makes you happy. If that means working a lot, a mortgage and a home in the suburbs so be it. If it means staying single the rest of your life, go for it. If it means a lucrative career as a male adult film star please inform me of your manager, because I got some mad skills I gotta show off in front of a camera.

From now on, there are no people left to please. Students’ parents no longer have a say in what they should or should not do. Students don’t have to answer to their parents anymore. In fact, you’re not even students after May 6, you’re grown-ups.

Cheesy as it may sound, pursue your dreams and don’t look back. Nothing is worse than being old and grey and thinking about what you could have or should have done as a college graduate ready to take on the world.

Enjoy your life. That’s really all you have to do from now on. Personally, I plan to track down Jimmy Fallon and make him apologize for all his stupid SNL skits he did and for “Taxi Driver,” damn that was an awful movie.

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