Not for faint of heart

DEAR LOVE DOCTOR: Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I don’t have a gift for my girlfriend. I know she’s expecting something fantastic, but I honestly have no ideas; what should I do? – Worried in BG

DEAR WORRIED: Ah, the age-old gift dilemma. Many of my peers would recommend traditional gifts like chocolate, flowers and vacuum cleaners – which aren’t bad, per se, but you should probably save those types of gifts for your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary or something.

Instead, my years of research indicate that women prefer gifts personalized to their unique selves, which (this is the hard part) requires constant vigilance and observation by men.

For example, let’s say your girlfriend doesn’t take showers. The majority of guys, observant as ever, will notice this after a month or two but not know what to do. Allow me to recommend the purchase of a nice bar of soap, or perhaps some shampoo.

If you really care about this person, you could even splurge on a three-dollar bottle of conditioner. I guarantee she’ll be speechless in that “oh my God, I can’t believe you just gave me this” sort of way.

But if your girlfriend is one of those silly people who bathes regularly, you’re not out of luck – you can still prove that you pay attention to her. Maybe she’s really good at giving massages; in that case, I suggest creating some homemade coupons.

I mean, think about it: how often does she get to show off her skills? With your coupons, she’ll be able to practice her massage techniques while relaxing you at the same time. What more could she want?

And if all else fails, pay six dollars and write a message on the windows of the GT Express. I can’t think of a better way to say “I love you” than on the side of a convenience store for the rest of the world to see.

DEAR LOVE DOCTOR: Sometimes my girlfriend talks to other guys and the way she does it bothers me. For example, we’ll be walking around campus and some guy she knows from class will say hi to her, and she’ll be like, “Hey,” back, or even sometimes, “How’s it going?”

Whenever this happens I get angry and we always fight. Is she cheating on me? Who’s right here? – Jealous in Toledo

DEAR JEALOUS: Ordinarily in these types of situations I would say you’re being a little overzealous, but in this case I feel your response is justified. Oh, and tell your girlfriend I said hi.

The Love Doctor is not responsible for any problems that may result from following the above advice. Send new questions to him at [email protected].