I heard a couple stories about people getting into trouble for incorporating airsoft guns and things of that nature into their costumes for Halloween, and then people freaking out and calling the police.

Now, people should be using more common sense [rule No. 74: some people are stupid, and therefore you shouldn’t carry around a fake gun with you].

But I think the people who are calling the police are also a few logs shy of a cabin in the common sense department. As a public service, here are some rules of thumb for recognizing firearms:

1. If you see two people with semi-automatic weapons and they are shooting each other and, you know, not dying ” it’s probably not an actual gun fight.

2. If you see two people shooting each other and the guns are blue and orange and have the word “Nerf” on them, it’s not real.

3. If someone does shoot you, but instead of bullets, water comes out of the gun, you have not been shot, and thus, you do not need to make a dramatic “Tell my parents I love them” speech as you go into convulsions.

4. If you see a person walking with someone else and one of them is drinking a soda and the other one is talking on a cell phone, there is only a slight chance that there will be a sudden gun battle, and thus you do not need to worry about it.

Come on, the police have enough to deal with. I mean, do you read the police blotter? This ran recently in The BG News:

“Subject reported his vehicle stolen from North Prospect Street. The caller was intoxicated and after 30 minutes, police found it parked in Lot 2 where he had left it. Later he called 911 and stated his vehicle was “moving” on “low jack.” He was told his vehicle was not moving and was still parked, and that he should go to sleep and check his car in the morning.”

I don’t see how Bowling Green police officers and firefighters are not the most bitter people on earth. I mean, all those drunk people and fire alarms – especially waking up at 3 a.m. to drive to Mac for a fire that doesn’t exist.

And on the off chance that it is a real fire, they have to deal with the immense fear of putting their lives on the line. Not from the fire itself, but from the danger of being shot at by one of Bowling Green’s many gun-toting maniacs.

In fact, maybe that’s we suck in football ” it’s God’s way of punishing us for all of the guns.

He gave the city of New Orleans Hurricane Katrina for all of their debauchery, and for the 9:1 gun to student ratio that we apparently have, He gave us a football team that is the equivalent to the overweight guy with bad hair and no charisma who tries out for American Idol by trying to sing “I wanna dance with somebody,” and then fails miserably.

Josh ([email protected]) never leaves home without a NERF pistol. Or socks.