Well, the election is finally over and if you were one of the seven students who voted yesterday, congratulations. Personally, I don’t know how I’ll adjust to life after the election, especially after all those ads on TV.
I secretly enjoy these advertisements; the nastier, the better. I don’t have time to sit down and learn about the candidates’ platforms and beliefs ” I have better things to do than read.
These candidates understand I am not intelligent enough to comprehend actual issues, so they luckily reduce the matters of the election down to a simple, easy-to-remember point, such as “Sherrod Brown will kill your dog” or “Mike DeWine will make it illegal to have fun.”
Anyone can tell you Betty Montgomery’s political views don’t matter. What matters is she has several outstanding parking tickets and is a notorious under-tipper. (I am investigating these claims personally.)
In the future, elections will be based solely on the candidates’ brute strength, vertical leap and taste in fast food. I can see it now, “Sherrod Brown not only has a miniscule vertical leap, he has the gall to say that Qdoba is better than Chipotle. Are these the qualities of a U.S. Senator?”
But commercials aren’t the only way to campaign and voice one’s beliefs. For instance, the College Republicans handed out cigars and publicly smoked them in support of lung cancer ” I mean, smokers’ rights. This is an exceedingly brilliant plan.
Many demonstrators were heard chanting slogans such as, “We support [cough, cough] smokers’ rights [cough, gag]!” Perhaps in the future they will demonstrate for gun owners’ rights by firing assault rifles into the air and giving out free bullets.
Issues 4 and 5 addressed the issues of smoking in public places and served as a reason why so many people don’t vote. The issues presented the contest between “Smoke Free Ohio,” “Smoke Less Ohio” and the less popular “Smoking Makes You Look Cool, So Smoke Everywhere.” Those who were championing the “Smoke in the Jr. High Boy’s Room” were reportedly too young to vote.
The bills seek to either restrict or prohibit smoking in most public places. Issue 5 goes far enough to prohibit smoking in bars, bingo halls and other glamorous surroundings.
I don’t think this bill goes far enough; I would like to introduce a bill that would outlaw smoking everywhere except one small town in North Dakota and crawl spaces. However, everyone would get to smoke a cigarette on their birthday and maybe even Christmas if they were particularly good that year.
I would also like to ban alcohol in bars and reading in libraries. If everything works out, I would like to see the books replaced with slot machines and gun vendors. Smoking, however, will not be tolerated.
Daniel ([email protected]) votes in all the elections that aren’t on Tuesdays.
