If television is a vast wasteland, morning television is the part of the wasteland where the diapers and car batteries go; the lowest of the low.

I defy you to flip on the television at any time between 9 a.m. and 4 p.m. and find something that is not a major disservice to the human race. It is a little known fact that America is the world’s number one exporter of awful talkshows with gratingly annoying hosts.

The newest and one of the worst of these is Rachal Ray. She’s like Martha Stewart – if Martha shouted everything she said and actively worked to make her guests uncomfortable.

Rachal Ray likes to yell, and I mean a lot. It isn’t pleasant to turn on the TV early in the morning and hear someone screaming at you to add more seasoning to the pasta. Although Rachal Ray is annoying, at least she isn’t lowering the national IQ by a few points every day. That distinction belongs to the other kind of talkshow. You know the kind: you see it while flipping through the stations and, before you know it, you just have to find out who the real father is.

You are watching “Maury,” of course, or any of the plethora of similar shows discernible only by the trashiness of the host. Interestingly, in the year 2003, more paternity tests were given on “Maury” than actual pregnancies were reported.

At least Springer would present exploitation and provide a moral at the end of the episode, even if the lessons were, “Never get in a fight with a 300 pound bearded lady who’s bearing your child.”

Another staple of the morning hours is the increasingly cheap game shows. A contestant on “Deal Or No Deal” can (theoretically) win $1,000,000. On “Family Feud,” you have to drag your whole family to engage in mortal, hate-fueled battle against another family you’ve never met … and you only win $10,000.

After taxes are taken out and the amount is divided among your family members, you have enough money to get lunch at Applebee’s (if you don’t get an appetizer or dessert.) Eventually, the prize will consist of the Family Feud home version and cab fare back to the airport.

Furthermore, who decided “Family Feud” should only be televised at 10 a.m. while “Jeopardy!” and “Wheel Of Fortune” are clearly only viewable at 7 p.m.? These are the questions the government should be answering with our tax money.

The last major dominating force in daytime television is the brilliant human drama known as the soap opera. Without soap operas, where would we train tomorrow’s bad primetime actors?

One thing you should know before watching a soap opera is that all of the characters have slept with each other at least once and they all have evil twins. Also, they may or may not have died and returned without sufficient explanation.

I remember being at the doctor’s office and all of the nurses crowded around the TV watching “Days of our Lives.” I was thinking, “How could they possibly not have anything more important to do? It’s not as if lives hang in the balance in the medical field.”

I then went back to reading the latest issue of Highlights, grateful the nurses weren’t watching Maury.

“Daniel Haney ([email protected]), you are NOT the father.”