Women from Venus, nerds from Mars

Colby James and Colby James

Dear loyal reader: because you’re taking the time to read a newspaper, it can safely be assumed that you are a nerd.

And because you’re a nerd, it’s also safe to assume that the most meaningful relationship you’ve had with a female is rescuing Princess Peach from an oddly named gorilla with a penchant for heaving large barrels at you.

Even then, a fat, greasy, plumber got way more action than you.

However, getting girls is easier than you think, and with some Benzoyl peroxide and a few handy tips, all you nerds will soon have more game than Milton Bradley. So without further ado, put down your Star Wars action figures and take some notes.

Be a true gentleman: You’ve seen (and cried over) movies like “A Walk to Remember” on the big screen TV in your parents’ basement. Remember how Shane West’s character was so sweet and sensitive? What a sissy!

Try to be the exact opposite of that. Sensitive guys are losers and have no friends. A true gentleman knows that a relationship is entirely physical. In fact, it’s a common myth that women want mental and emotional stimulation: what they really want is your wallet (which you must never give them).

In addition to this, I would also like to point out that women only have two real emotions: “I want to go shoe shopping,” and “I think I’m going to go shoe shopping.”

Know how to talk to women: Let’s face it, women never have anything interesting to talk about – they just want to tell you about what happened on “Laguna Beach” or ask you why their computer won’t turn on when 75 percent of the time it’s unplugged (the other 25 percent occurs when they confuse their computer with a Magna Doodle).

But because women are self absorbed, they think you actually care about what they have to say. This is why it’s important to know how to make a woman THINK you’re interested in whatever kind of nonsense she’s rambling on about.

You can easily accomplish this task by nodding your head and enthusiastically repeating “Yeah?”, “Wow!”, and “That’s SO interesting!” With those three key phrases you’ll melt her heart in no time.

False compliments: Women love to talk about how great they are, and while every true gentleman knows about their natural inferiority to their male counterparts, it’s important that you pretend to appreciate them.

This can be done by paying them false compliments (also known as lying).

For example, when a woman asks you, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” and you think to yourself, “Yes they do make her butt look big, and oddly enough so does every other piece of clothing she owns,” it’s very important that you lie and say, “No.”

In addition, women are also very sensitive about their cooking (because it’s their only real skill). So when you’re attempting to choke down that rubbery excuse for meatloaf (that had better be waiting for you when you get home), you have to force a smile and give a hearty “Mmmmm!”

In the event that you do slip up and make the mistake of telling a woman the truth, forgiveness can easily be bought with a couple roses or a miniature, plush Care Bear.

Control of the television remote: Under no circumstances should a woman EVER be allowed to operate the remote control. If she somehow manages to get her hands on the remote, it’s only going to confuse and frustrate her.

How are you going to successfully woo her when she’s busy cursing at the remote for having more than two buttons?

Unfortunately, because women are control freaks, your lovely lady will most likely want the remote. A nice way to avoid this dangerous situation is to put out a decoy remote so she thinks she has control over the television. Again, a Magna Doodle should work fine as the decoy.

Congratulations, you are now equipped with the greatest knowledge a man can possibly possess. So nerds: Get up, change out of your Pillsbury Doughboy T-shirt, wash that oil from your face and get out there and show those girlies who’s really in charge.

Colby ([email protected]) is out buying roses and plush Care Bears for his beautiful, intelligent and forgiving girlfriend, just in case she reads this article.