Laundry etiquette must be followed

Thirty-five minutes.

Last Sunday night, it took me 35 minutes to move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. Perhaps there is some alternate universe, some bizarro world, where 35 minutes is considered a acceptable amount of time to accomplish this menial task, but we do not live in that world. I don’t want to live in that world. And so help me God, no one is going to make me live in that world.

Admittedly, I knew from past experience that Sunday was a busy day for laundry. That is why I usually do my laundry at midnight on Saturdays, when every student except me is out having a life. However, this past weekend, schedule conflicts (I got drunk) prevented me from doing my laundry at the usual, hassle-free time. I expected the normal delays that one would associate with doing laundry at peak hours.

However, what I encountered was excessive and inconsiderate, and borders on what the ACLU would define as “torture.”

I walked down to the laundry room exactly 39 minutes after I had put my clothes in the washer. I timed it as such because that is how long the washer takes and I did not want to waste any of my precious time, nor the time of others. Upon entering the laundry room I found two dryers that, despite the fact that their time had expired, were still full of clothes. All the other dryers had a considerable amount of time left. I knew I was in for a wait. Another gentlemen was waiting as well. I don’t know how long he was there before I showed up, but judging from the look on his face I could only assume that it was roughly 1,000 years, give or take a century.

I am a reasonable man, and can understand someone being a few minutes late in this scenario. You could lose track of time, or just be bad at math. But as the minutes ticked by and I realized that the owners of the clothes in question clearly lacked either a clock or any shred of human decency, reason became kind of a non-issue, taking a backseat to unmerciful rage. In an attempt to calm myself down I counted the machines – unfortunately realizing that there were seven washers and only six dryers made matters worse.

Eventually, an unapologetic girl entered the room. She opened the doors of both the expired dryers and removed her clothes from one, then left. The gentleman who had been waiting longer than me loaded his clothes into the now empty machine. As this occurred a series of questions ran through my mind. Why did she open both doors? Is she using both machines? Why did she just empty one? Where did this woman go?

With only one time-expired-but-occupied dryer remaining, I assumed the worst was behind me. The anger I felt upon realizing that this girl found it necessary to use a separate dryer to wash three pairs of jeans was subsided by the fact that my long wait would soon be over. How wrong I was. She returned, but instead of removing her jeans from the dryer she put another quarter in. She saw me waiting and put another quarter in.

At this point I looked at the time remaining on the other dryers and realized that it would be at least another 13 minutes, likely longer if the users of the other machines were as prompt as this girl. I didn’t know what to do, but homicide was considered – justifiable homicide, given the circumstances.

Fortunately, the next person to empty a machine was at least on time. But he was also using two machines. According to my roommate the usage of two machines is a common practice. This cannot be allowed to continue.

It is my duty both as an opinion columnist and a compassionate human being to do whatever necessary to ensure that no one else will be made to suffer as I have. Therefore I’m laying down some Laundry Room Etiquette Ground Rules:

1. One machine per person. There are seven washers, six dryers and eight hundred students.

2. Be on time. Washers take 39 minutes. Dryers take 15 minutes per 25 cents. Set an alarm if necessary.

3. If your time is up and people are waiting, you’re done. I don’t care how wet your panties are. Deal with it.

Three rules. It’s not that hard. That’s seven less than God makes you follow. Just be considerate so we can all live as one big happy family and I won’t have to burn the building down.

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