Couch Potato Rant

Name: Casey College Gender: Male/Female Interested in: Men/Women Looking for: Random play Interests: Listenin’ to music, hangin’ out with friends Favorite Movies: Boondock Saints, Garden State Favorite Books: The Da Vinci Code followed closely by The Bible Favorite Quote: “Tina, eat your dinner.” / “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” This is you. Go ahead admit it. This is you. But don’t fret, this is me too. As far as Facebook is concerned, this is everyone. Maybe these aren’t your exact preferences, but they’re close enough. Every time you log on those words flash in front of your face: “This is you.” Sign in and you are forced to stare into a mirror made up of ones and zeroes. Are you good enough? Are your bands popular but only on MTV2? Did your favorite films premiere at Sundance? Did you like The Shins before Garden State? The answer to these questions are most likely yes, because the truth is, it doesn’t matter what you like. It doesn’t even matter what you are like. It only matters what you say you like, and here, you can say you like anything. You can fit in…to some degree. You can be common enough to be comfortable, but still quirky enough to be an individual. You are successfully grinding down the corners of your respective square peg just enough so that it doesn’t quite fit in the round hole. So, why do you feel pressured to note that you like Radiohead even though Kid A is totally pretentious? Because it gives us common ground, and common ground gives us a connection and connections earn us friends. Friends, the currency of Facebook, collected like you once collected stamps – soulless photos of friends surrounded by other friends buried within a list of friends who appear to have lots of friends. But there is a benefit to having all these friends: the chance that you may meet a friend with benefits. The more friends you have, the more likely you are to acquire one who is also, “Looking for: random play.” And hey, if that doesn’t work out, at least you have them, because everyone else does, and no one likes a blank wall. But of course you have friends. You’ve listed them in your interests: “Listenin’ to music and hangin’ out with friends.” Apparently hangin’ out with friends has become a legitimate hobby, much like bootylicious has become a legitimate word in the Oxford English Dictionary. Maybe other obvious hobbies should be listed, like sleeping six to eight hours a night or eating enough to not die. But when you’ve electronically selected “attending” or “maybe attending” an “event,” be sure to have your Powershot handy, because you’re going to need plenty of evidence that your friends aren’t just random people who have clicked “accept.” The best way to display this is with the “group enjoying drinks together shot,” contrasted by the not so effective “self-taken solo cleavage shot.” While we’re on the subject of photos, it’s important to have a healthy but not obsessive amount of snapshots with one’s significant other and to promptly remove them in the case of a break-up. The best way to know if you should remove said photos is if your significant other’s page now reads “single.” So, check it and check it often. It’s okay that the only picture you’ll have left after the forced spring-cleaning is one where you’re half blinking. Don’t worry; your boobs still look great. So, you have photographic proof of your friends, you attend all the right parties, you have a bootlegged copy of the next DMB album but you swear they’re better live, and your Napoleon Dynamite quote is nicely offset with the wise words of Ghandi. You are confident with your preferences. You are confident your profile is you. But are you confident in your profile? Are we losing our identity, or are we becoming a more powerful and cohesive culture? You’ve been poked.