Foiled by letters to the editor

While it’s true that I am undisputedly the most talented, best-looking and smartest writer on The BG News staff (and quite possibly the world), the Not News section is only my second favorite area of the newspaper.

In fact, as soon as I finish reading my article six times in sheer amazement of how I was able to cram so much awesomeness into a single column, I turn to my real favorite section of the news: the Letters to the Editor.

That’s right – nothing is funnier than reading the incoherent ramblings of people who are delusional enough to believe their opinion matters.

Amazingly enough, there are people out there who think you care about their feelings; and that, my friends, is hilarity in itself. If you’re like most people, you’ve never read any letters to the editors because seriously, who reads those other than myself (to laugh at) and the person who wrote it to feel a self-inflated sense of importance)?

But, what I enjoy most is that many letters to the editor are about how my particular article has hurt somebody’s sensitive feelings, and how they spent three hours on the phone with their parents to cope with the horrible things I wrote.

While it’s true everything printed under the Not News humor section should be taken as serious, accurate and truthful representations of the author’s viewpoints, every now and then we humor columnists like to make jokes that are not necessarily indicative of our own personal opinions.

As such, the life of a humor columnist is a hard one, but every time I read about how I’ve offended someone without the capacity to pick up on hundreds of layers of thick, blatant sarcasm painted on to every single article; every time I find out I’ve ruined somebody’s day; it gives me the strength to continue.

For those still confused, here’s the basic rundown of what happens:

I write an article for the Not News section – for those who are still confused, that’s the section you’re reading right now.

Of course, instead of actually writing a light-hearted column meant to be taken all in good-fun, I really write an opinion column based on my own personal viewpoints and therefore completely believe everything I write.

In fact, anybody who has an opinion that differs from my own is clearly stupid and should not be allowed to read a newspaper.

While the majority of the readers of the Not News section think I’m only joking or being satirical, there are a few very astute readers who look beyond what’s printed and discover my diabolical plan to brainwash my readers.

Unfortunately, the campus justice squad has foiled my plot by sending letters to the editor. Unlike you, these people don’t have social lives or senses of humor to distract them from the mission at hand – making them a force to be reckoned with! While sitting in the confines of their parents’ basement and watched only by their pet cats, these geniuses carefully type angry letters to the editor and prevent my evil thoughts from being printed ” and I would get away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling nerds.

So how do I cope with my tragic defeat?

Well after reading a letter, the first thing I do is look the person up on Facebook. After sitting in sheer intimidation as I stare into the face (and sometimes chest depending on the profile picture) of the person who foiled my evil plot, I call all 417 of my friends and Billy (who’s like my half friend) into the room.

For about an hour or so we all just laugh and make disparaging comments about how ugly the person is, because making fun of others is a great way to feel better about yourself. I also tend to eat when upset (and there’s no time I’m more upset than when another one of my evil plots gets foiled), so after my friends leave, I head over to Uraku and pick up some sushi.

Then after wallowing in self-pity and melancholy, I pretty much just forget the entire ordeal. Because in the end, does anyone really care what an amateur humor columnists for the local paper writes? (Hint: the answer is “no.”)

Colby Fordham [email protected] looks forward to looking you up on Facebook and making fun of you after reading your letter to the editor.