Not News: A homeless movement would improve society

Howdy, folks. How was your fall break? (Don’t actually answer aloud, or people around you will think you’re insane for talking to your newspaper.)

Mine was pretty good. I was able to travel down to Columbus and while down there I ran into something I realize has become a growing problem around this country: homeless people.

Well, I only saw one homeless person, and he asked me for change three different times. Yes, same guy, same question, three times. I looked upon this poor, poor man and realized how awful his plight must be (but, of course, I didn’t give him any change; I was “fresh out of change”). I also got to thinking about how big the population of homeless people has gotten. It’s almost as if there’s a homeless Renaissance in this country.

What if there’s a movement amongst homeless people to create a society where deprivation and filth is the norm? Think about everything that could come from a Hobo Renaissance! The food! The art! The lingering smell of death and sadness everywhere!

I mean, think about how fancy soup kitchens would be. Soup kitchens are a big part of living on the streets. These shelters allow people to come and get a free meal and free shelter (at the expense of taxpayers). But, what if there was a way for the homeless to make soup, on their own, without people having to pay for costly things such as nutritious soup ingredients?

My idea is to have soup kitchens provide “Stone Soup Nights.” For those of you who don’t know about stone soup, it’s an idea thought up in a children’s story. Everyone in a village (or, in this case, a dirty, poo-smelling alley) brings in ingredients and adds them to a pot of soup (with a stone placed inside for flavor). If the homeless people can do this, not only do they help out each other, save money, and have fun finding ingredients, but it also makes a damn good soup.

Also, think about all of the beautiful sculptures that could be created from cans and bottles. Stick with me here, this idea is pretty complicated, but genius. Okay, when homeless people are walking around all day (doing whatever it is homeless people do all day), they tend to pick up bottles and cans they see strewn on the ground. What they use these items for is unknown to many, but scientists conclude they may use them as a form of sustenance in cold winter months. Instead, these cans and bottles can be used to create beautiful works of art on many street corners.

Think how cool that statue in front of Olscamp would look if it were made out of Natty Light cans! Heck, a Pepsi-can de Milo might be seen as beautiful, even if it does smell like old soda and urine. If all else fails, the cans and bottles could be used to patch up certain structures destroyed by inept city workers.

So, be careful with how you treat homeless people around here. Whatever you do, don’t give them change. They need their filth and disease to become masterful artists.