Not News: Dr. Jon offers unlikely remedies

Jon Ruggiero and Jon Ruggiero

Well, unfortunately, as happens almost every year, I’ve become sick. Yes, I know, shocking, right? Getting sick in college? It never happens. Who would’ve thought that being encased in a hall with 40 other disgusting disease vectors (college students) would make me sick? Seriously, plague rats are healthier than I am right now.

I’m pretty sure some of you feel the same way. Stuffiness, headaches, an inability to leave bed and go to classes (actually that’s pretty normal). All classic signs of a cold.

But, not to worry. Dr. Jon (DDS) is here to heal what ails ya! First of all, most common colds come with a little pet, known as a frog in your throat. Yeah, scratchy throats suck. They’re especially bothersome when you’re in a quiet environment, and you’re constantly coughing and bothering those around you (like all of the other nerds in the library). But, thankfully, the remedy for such an ailment is rather simple: drink the urine of a blind hermit from the hills of Sicily, and then eat a bald eagle’s tail feather. But, if you can’t get all of that stuff, cough lozenges and warm soup can also help (but, not nearly as well).

Sometimes, a cough isn’t the main problem. What if you’ve got a Winnie the Pooh-sized rumbly in your tumbly that you just can’t control? Stomach flues are also quite common, and they can cause vomiting. Vomiting is usually brought on by eating something unpleasant or trying to show your friends that a bottle of Jack Daniels is as weak as “a baby bottle.” But, you can curb most stomach sicknesses with some Pepto Bismol or an antacid or two. If that doesn’t work, you can at least be happy with all the weight you’ll lose from puking so much! (After all, that’s apparently how the models do it.)

The biggest and most tiresome of all ailments, though, has to be the faucet that gets opened up in the old schnoz. Runny noses are a major pain, and, unlike these other symptoms, they are very hard to get rid of. But, I have heard of a strange Asian custom that involves a teapot. Apparently, the ancient Chinese secret that everyone talks about is taking a teapot (with freshly brewed tea inside) and pouring it straight into your nose. Yes, you read that right: POURING HOT LIQUID INTO YOUR FACE! Dr. Jon does highly advise this though, because it works very, very well. But, I’ll have to save a remedy for facial burns for another column.

So, with this new information in tow, your flu troubles should vanish rather quickly. Or, you could go a different route and try the magical “medicines” that “actual doctors” prescribe. I myself never use them. But, just remember, if you ever have any other medical needs, just call on Dr. Jon!