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Spring Housing Guide

Sex in public: Do’s and do not’s

I’m going to do it in public next Sunday night at 10 p.m.

Get your minds out of the gutter. I’m not talking about having sex, I’m talking about talking about having sex.

WBGU FM will be letting me talk so turn your dials or push your buttons until the digital readout says 88.1.

Okay, plug over. Put your minds back in the gutter with mine.

Since I’ve pulled your thoughts that way, we’ll stick to the idea of having sex in public. I’ve done it. Have you?

Before you emphatically deny it, are you sure?

Do any of you have sex in your dorm rooms? If you make any noise at all, you’re probably alerting the whole dorm to the fun times you’re capable of having.

Jessica Jaimes, a sophomore living in Kreischer, can hear what you’re doing and how often.

And no, it’s not just that dorm.

“I lived in [MacDonald hall] last year and the walls are paper thin. You can hear the beds squeaking and shaking when they rock or hit the walls,” according to Jaimes.

Sex in public is a tried and true way to spice up a relationship, but what fun is it if you don’t know you’re doing it?

Jaimes says people don’t live in ignorant bliss for long.

“People will usually crack jokes afterward, so if they don’t know, they’re made aware,” Jaimes said.

So have fun in the dorms with your newfound ‘sex in public’ bravado. Just be careful about crossing legal lines elsewhere.

Sex in public doesn’t mean you should contaminate the elevator in West Hall or hide behind a couch in the Student Union with your bare butt up against the window for anyone who happens to make the mistake of looking up to see.

If that happens and you get caught, I’m not defending you. I might laugh at you, but that’s about all the time I’m investing when there are much better spots to enjoy intimacy.

Sit in the back of a theater and fondle your partner discreetly. Just don’t make noise and don’t try this if there are people in earshot of your heavy breathing. And stay away from oral sex, not because of the naughty legal issue, but just because the floors in theaters are really filthy and some ushers might not be as understanding as the one at a local Maumee theater.

“If I caught a couple having sex in a theater, I would probably leave them alone if they were by themselves. On the other hand, if they were not alone in the theater, and they were causing a disruption, then I would have security escort them out of the theater,” said one usher.

Note the ‘and they were causing a disruption’ part of that statement.

But you’ll probably go to have some fun and get the meanest usher on duty so make sure whichever one of you is playing lookout isn’t interested in watching the movie instead of the door.

Better yet, get a hotel room, not on the first floor, and have sex with the curtains open. If someone complains, claim you forgot to close them because you were caught up in the heat of the moment.

Or maybe you’ll have my experience and the curtains will be the least of your problems.

I was lucky enough to have family to pay for my husband and me to spend the weekend at the Holiday Inn French Quarter after our wedding. It was perfect because we were on the concierge level. No children allowed and you had to have a key for the elevator to open on that floor. Remember this if you want some alone time with your boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t want any surprise guests.

So there it was; our wedding night. It was the most romantic time of my life and what would become the most public. Details aside, my husband delivered and I made a good amount of noise. I expected to hear blood rushing in my ears. What I did not expect was the sound of cheers and congratulatory praises from the hallway.

Our concierge level was filled that weekend with two groups of people. The wedding group consisted of only me and my husband. Every other room on the floor was filled with men there for a fraternity conference.

Who needs porn when you’ve a got a sexed-up just-married couple down the hall?

Of course the timing for sex in public is rarely so perfect.

I passed up two opportunities with my husband, but we were in a public park and it was October. I had a sinking feeling that we’d be in for a let down.

So have some fun and get creative, but not illegal. Don’t give up on fulfilling the fantasy of being naughty where people might catch you. It’s not an impossible dream.

As long as there are dorms with fun people like Jessica Jaimes to let you know you’ve been found out, hotels willing to book large groups of college students next to a honeymooning couple and ushers in movie theaters willing to look the other way, there is the promise of great sexual intimacy in public.

Send comments, questions and topics to Chandra Niklewski at cniklew@bgsu.

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