Alright, fat man, let me lay it to you straight. I understand it’s your job to figure out if everyone’s been good or not. I don’t like you and you don’t like me. But I think my work here in the Not News section this semester has demonstrated what a good boy I am.

There was that time I called anyone who liked “Spiderman 3” a waste of life and should spend some quality time with their family before jumping off a cliff. No one has even mentioned that movie to me since then, look what I’ve done for the people of BG! Then there was that Halloween article where I boldly forecasted that women wouldn’t use the holiday to degrade themselves, and low and behold look how that played out.

I only have a few modest requests. First, I’d like to have a Rock Band. My friends and I are getting tired of getting wasted and throwing ping pong balls into plastic cups or sitting on my porch and watching the drunken escapades of undergrads on Wooster Street. I mean my friends appreciate walking up to all these wasted girls, helping to escort them home and help tuck them into their bed, but I’m just a bit classier than that. Also, I think this will help my guitar skills increase. At a party last week, I conducted an unofficial poll, with 66.6 percent of the women I interviewed saying a guy who can jam in Guitar Hero is way sexier than a guy who can scope someone 500 yards out in Halo 3 with a Spartan Laser (I know, I was surprised too, but luckily I can do both). Clearly this will solve all my relationship troubles.

What I’d really like is my own personal Batmobile. Not that my car is broken or anything, but I feel like having a Batmobile for myself will just set me up for success. Cops wouldn’t give me tickets (who messes with Batman?), as the Dark Knight himself said “chicks dig the car,” and I’d quickly become the most popular guy on campus (I assume that there’s currently some really hot girl that’s keeping me locked down at No. 2 on campus).

Lastly, I want the phone of 20 years from now. Forget the iPhone, I’m not plunking down $400 until I can have an MP3 player, GPS, cell phone, PDA, Nintendo Wii, electric shaver, air freshener and breathalyzer test in one gadget. This all-in-one gadget will wreak benefits throughout my life; better groomed, more organized, faster communication and more ways to procrastinate during class (forget texting when you can play Wii Bowling with your friend on the other side of the room).

I know you’re surprised I’m not looking for a girlfriend or whatever, but I’ve got that handled. I’m going back home to New England, the mecca of female perfection. It’ll work itself out.

Thanks!

Greg Chick

—————-

Dear Santa,

First of all, I want to apologize for all the crap I talked about you in the past but, come on, that whole, “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake,” stuff is pretty creepy!

Nonetheless, I have come up with a humble list of requests and I’d ask that you’d consider all the good things I’ve done this year.

1. “Law and Order: SVU” box sets – What can I say? Seven continuous hours of the show on USA Network doesn’t always fill my hunger for justice and due process of law. But make sure it’s “SVU” because everyone knows that “Criminal Intent” is far less superior.

2. A new cell phone- I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dropped my $200+ cellular device down the stairs, in the mall, in the snow and nearly in the toilet a few times! Let’s just say it’s seen it’s better days. Other than that, it hardly works indoors. I swear there is some sort of force field around Olscamp and the Jerome Library because when going within 10 feet of either of them my cell goes kaput.

3. Diamonds – Besides that whole girl’s best friend mumbo-jumbo, I’m going to need something of worth that I can pawn off at the begining of next semester to pay for my books. At least I could enjoy them until the new year.

4. Gift Cards – Sorry, Mr. Kringle, I like you and all but do you think I honestly expect a man to buy me something I’d actually wear in public? Let’s leave the bootyless chaps to teenage Christina Aguilera. Not to mention I’d rather spare you and I the trouble of trying to guess my size. Let’s keep it simple: hand over the plastic and no one will get hurt.

So maybe you’re not feeling very inclined to fulfill my wishes after all man-bashing but you’ve got to bear with me. I think I’ve been a pretty good sport dealing with my pseudo-chauvinistic male columnists all semester.

And I don’t want to hear anything about how the only female asks for more than the other columnists!

Merry Chrstmas,

Amy Dillon

—————-

Dear Santa,

I know you’re slowly being killed by those wacky fundamentalists who claim that you detract from the real meaning of Christmas, so I thought I’d write you before they succeed. Christmas after Christmas, I’ve slipped some Bailey’s into the milk my parents have been leaving out for you, and Christmas after Christmas, you’ve stiffed me by not giving me the death-ray machine I’ve been asking for. So, it’s fair to say you owe me. That said, the following is a list of the things I want:

1. A faster car. In response to all the dangerous high-speed chases through Parking Lot A I’ve been leading them on, the campus police has finally wised up and purchased new cars that can now outrun mine. I need a car that’s faster than theirs.

2. A puppy. I would really like the companionship of a puppy, and I am very interested in training him to take-out my enemies. A German Shepherd should be fine.

3. And finally, because Christmas isn’t all about me, I’d like to request a gift for my wonderful girlfriend: an authentic reindeer-fur coat. I’m a reasonable man and don’t expect you to send me Rudolph, but I would like someone reasonably high in the reindeer pecking order, like Cupid or Donner.

Santa, I’ve been really good this year. The amount of hatemail I’ve received from my columns is down from last year’s 327 to a pleasant 294. And I’ve only gotten into one traffic altercation this year, and you and I both know that old woman completely deserved that punch in the face. So, please Santa, bring me these gifts this year, and next year I won’t have to poison your cookies.

Your Biggest Fan,

Colby James

—————-

Dear Santa,

Hey there, big guy. How are you doing? Once again, it’s another year to beg and plead for some crap that I really want. But, this year is better. Oh, so much better. Because, for once, I’ve actually been good this year! Remember that time I saved that baby from that building fire?

Wait, that wasn’t me. Oh, but I do remember giving all that money to the homeless! No, no, I didn’t do that either. But, I was a lot funnier and prettier than most of the other Not News writers!

Darn, that was Colby. Oh well, I guess I just deserve gifts because if I don’t get them, I’ll get my stereotypical Italian mob family to hunt you down!

1. A Pony: God knows I’ve asked for it for so many years. You better come through this time, fat man or I swear I’ll use one of them new TomTom GPS doohickey things to find you!

2. Rock Band, the video game: I’ve always been a huge fan of Guitar Hero, and this just expands on that idea. Besides, nothing is more awesome than four awkward kids fake-playing instruments and thinking they’re just awesome. Check out the arcade in the Union sometime to see what I mean.

3. Good grades: I know I don’t try for them. This seems like the best way to get them without having to do that boring “studying” or “going to classes” that everyone seems keen on doing. Actually, I really should change this wish to “$50 to all my teachers”. Nothing says the holidays like bribes!

Sincerely,

Jon Ruggiero