KNOCK, KNOCK, WE’RE LOOKING FOR … HEY, IT’S HIM! Dexter Mathis, convicted of receiving the ill-gotten proceeds of a bank robbery and sentenced to 20 months in a federal prison in Atlanta, managed to convince Pierre Carlton to go to jail in his place. Carlton did Mathis’ time, but, with only 50 days left to go, he escaped. Authorities, unaware that Carlton was substituting for Mathis, went to Mathis’ home to see if any family members had heard from him. Mathis answered the door. He must now do the 20 months plus whatever he gets for fleeing to avoid incarceration.

AH, HOME SWEET HOME, WHAT THE …!? A Sacramento sheriff’s deputy was sent to seize a home — in the posh gated community of Rancho Murieta — of a couple going through a divorce. He changed all the locks, and posted a sign that the house was now ”the property of the United States government.” Alas, he seized the wrong house. The rightful owner discovered this sad fact when he went home and couldn’t get in. It took him seven hours to find out what the story was, find a locksmith and get inside his own house. He was very angry. The authorities have apologized profusely.

WE’RE PRETTY SURE IT WAS YOU, SONNY: A young nitwit and some of his friends had a night of fun in a secluded neighborhood in Sacramento, Calif., swilling down brewskies and blasting mailboxes with his brand-new pump shotgun, then fleeing into the night. When police arrived, they found empty beer cans, spent shotgun shells — and a receipt for the weapon bearing the nitwit’s name and address. The cops went to his home where they found a street sign — stolen from the crime scene by the vandals — hanging on his wall. He was arrested.

ATTA BOY, GET THE DUMMY, CHOMP! Bill Jones was training his 65-pound Labrador retriever to rescue a drowning victim, tossing a dummy into a lake in Bossier City, La. After the animal retrieved the dummy a few times, an 8-foot alligator crawled out and ate the dog. City Council member David Jones was not surprised. ”We don’t live in Kansas,” he said.

BIASED? WHY WOULD I BE BIASED? A female juror in Sicily, hearing a case against the local Mafia, has been having a secret romance with another Mafiosi who is on the run from police. She failed to mention this to officials who found out about it after the trial was well under way. Her boyfriend fled police custody after being sentenced to life plus eight years for murder and extortion. The 34-year-old woman says he is her ”soulmate,” but she admits he has had ”a few problems with the law.”