Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks. I’m surprised my hometown doesn’t have one yet, given the irritating near-omnipresence of retail Starbucks coffee shops around this area (over 15,000 worldwide, in fact).

It’s fascinating the only real thing which has managed to put a dent in the rails of the unstoppable Starbucks Express is the ongoing economic crisis afflicting our nation.

I guess any coffee chain, no matter how mighty, cannot maintain its imperialist expansion policies until the end of time.

Unfortunately, I’m currently at a loss for surprise regarding Starbucks Coffee after reading recent speculations that our University is considering the insertion of a Starbucks in Jerome Library.

Yuck. I knew I saw this coming.

Despite the fiscal problems currently plaguing the company, Starbucks still sees it fit to expand into new areas and to put pressure on opposing coffee chains while consolidating its existing retail outlets due to the dire financial situation. And according to yesterday’s edition of this paper, Jerome Library is the latest target in Starbucks’ crosshairs.

This means we’ll have to deal with even more atrocious free form jazz every time we want to check out a book.

Not that I have anything against jazz, but the mass-appeal saxophone drivel that they play inside those stores makes me want to rip off my ears and feed them to a very hungry Richard Simmons.

Additionally, the stuff makes me feel like a pretentious jerk every time I come within earshot of it. Come to think of it, I feel like a pretentious jerk just by looking at Starbucks.

I most definitely do not want one of those stinky, hyper-trendy coffee stores inside Jerome. I would actively avoid the library if such a thing was to happen, and that’s just sad.

My main beef, though, with the possibility of a Starbucks invading our library, is the fact that I believe such a store is unbecoming of our University. I don’t think it’s in the best interests of our student body for all of us to be shelling out $4.50 every morning for caffeinated choco-mocha-sugar water.

Oh, that’s right: with steamed milk on top. Sorry I’m so unrefined.

Starbucks has developed a reputation as a vaguely European coffee shop selling expensive coffee drinks and a small selection of pastries and baked goods. Wi-Fi access is standard, cushy leather chairs sit alongside minimalist tables and chairs, all while that abominable generic jazz crap plays nonstop.

It’s been marketed as a place for upscale 19 to 27-year-olds to go after work before coming back home, as proven by the attractive interiors, terrible music, Internet access, comfortable furniture and food.

Something about 20-year-old state university students wearing sweatpants and listening to alternative rock on their scratched-up iPods doesn’t scream “Starbucks” to me. More like Dunkin’ Donuts.

By the way, I find Dunkin’ Donuts to be far less revolting of a coffee chain than Starbucks. Main reason: no soulless, irritating “jazz” music.

But apparently the Starbucks brand still sells extremely well to the college students here at the Union. I see a plethora of depleted coffee cups in every can of trash I send out to the dumpster, and the line of students waiting to be served at the store is eclipsed only by one stemming out from the front of the also Union-integrated Wendy’s outlet.

Personally, I think it’s about time for our students to start flocking to a new coffee chain for their daily doses of fatigue-obliterating caffeine medications.

With Dunkin’ Donuts currently on the rise, experiencing a rebranding period in which it seeks to widen its customer base, maybe we’ll start to see more pink and orange around here instead of dark green and black – and plenty of horrendous muzak.

I’m not writing this to shill any one particular coffee chain or anything, I’m just sick to my guts of Starbucks. And I think quite a few other people are as well.

And I’m still not convinced we need two Starbucks Coffee outlets on campus. One is more than enough for my unrefined tastes. Where’s my freaking apple juice? Thank goodness they haven’t put coffee into that already.