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BG Falcon Media

Independent student content

BG Falcon Media

Independent student content

BG Falcon Media

The BG News
BG24 Newscast
November 30, 2023

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Career choices are vast, ‘stable’

Are you stuck in a dead-end job? Are you getting the sneaking suspicion that your major is going to lead you into a fascinating career as a gas station attendant?

Like you, I found myself living a lie. I was going to college and achieving much in my field of study, and my future was looking bright. I even rose to the position of opinion editor due to my willingness to dress really slutty for the editors at the BG News.

But I didn’t feel content with my lot. I longed to do something greater with my life, like be a groupie for an ’80s hair band.

I am fully qualified to give career advice, as I am well-experienced in all fields of labor, mainly due to the fact that I’ve been working non-stop since the age of 12 and moved from job to job because I had a slight problem with authority. And people who worked beneath me. And customers. And strangers passing by my place of employment.

Leave your shaky future in my capable hands as we take a look at realistic job options for Generation Y.

* Fireman. For those of you who are looking for more adventure, excitement and third degree burns, being a fireman might be the right choice for you. Granted, you have to climb ladders, but you get a really cool uniform and can shoot the fire hose through windows.

I was really thinking about leaving college to go battle evil fires in the heart of Bowling Green, but I wrinkle easy and couldn’t make the cut.

Pros: Saying you’re a fireman is a great pickup line; free axe; you get to go down the pole.

Cons: Fire burns you; chaffing from sliding down the pole.

* Humor columnist. In these dark times of economic hardships, you sometimes have to do things what would normally go against your set of morals and personal pride.

When your grandmother needs her medicine, it’s more important to get a paycheck any way you can rather than worry about what people are going to think about you. Sure, being a humor columnist may not be the most noble way to make money, but it beats being a stockbroker or working at the Renaissance festival.

Since the dark secret was out that I was one of these loathed creatures, my family stopped inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner, my credit rating plummeted and my library card was cut into pieces in front of my face. I just keep telling myself I’m only going to stay with this gig until something better comes along.

Pros: Hate mail.

Cons: Dealing with stupid people; people calling you at home and threatening you and your loved ones; forced to be funny even if you are a manic-depressive and your hamster hates you.

* Horsey. When I was three years old, my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a horsey, but she just laughed at me and said, “Don’t be silly dear.”

After she told my father what I said, he took it a little more seriously than her and had a talk with me. I was ordered to give up these foolish dreams of becoming a horsey, for he wanted me to be a famous and renowned doctor who would find a cure for menopause.

I told him I would, but in my tiny heart I kept the hope alive that I would someday be a horsey and run away from this terrible place.

Well, I’m proud to say that I have fulfilled this burning desire and I do work part time as a horsey, unless there is bad weather or it’s hay fever season.

Pros: Romping in grassy meadows; hay; trampling small animals or children.

Cons: Stupid people sitting on your back; horseshoes; horny farmers; the glue factory.

Okay, maybe you should just stay in school and not listen to me. For somebody that has been fired as much as I have, I might not be such a good source of career advice.

There is nothing wrong with taking your time to find out what you really want to do, nor is there with borrowing money from your parents or sleeping on their couch until you are 40.

Chelsea is a first grader in a college sophomore’s body. But if you e-mail her ([email protected]) she won’t give you her job.

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