There is a major problem brewing on campus. And it was not caused by David Horowitz. It’s got nothing to do with rising tuition. It’s not underage drinking, and it’s definitely not the lack of fine-ass booty.
There is a serious amount of hatin’ going on up in this piece, and as a hip hop fan, it’s discouraging to see students latching onto the worst aspect of my beloved hip hop. My hip hop grammar is not quite up to par, so if this sounds awkward please forgive me.
As a serious journalist, I’ve covered all the major campus events of the last 30 years. The Natty crisis of ’84. The unfortunate resurgence of country music in ’91. I was even on the scene when the Tri-Lambs beat the Alpha Betas in the Fraternity Olympics and Booger finally got himself some tail. But I have never seen such a high level of hatin’ before.
There are some things that most Ohioans are obligated to hate. Winter. Champagne without ice in it, and I ain’t talkin’ bout frozen water. And the Yankees. On a personal note, after they fired George Costanza, I just can’t look Steinbrenner in the eye anymore.
However, students should not be hatin’ on each other. I am sick and tired of seeing Republicans vs. Democrats. Drinkers vs. Smokers. Yo’ mama vs. the backside of my hand. Great, now even I’m hatin’. This is becoming contagious.
I’m starting to wonder if the University recently opened up new courses in Haterizational Studies. That does sound like something awesome to major in though. Imagine going into a job interview and being like, “That’s right, I had a 3.6 in Haterizational Studies, playa. Now, get off yo’ ass and get me some moet!” That’s sort of my own personal Loc Dog fantasy, which I advise all soon to be graduating seniors to try out.
Last week was College Republicans week. Every day last week was given a special name by the College Republicans. For example, last Tuesday was “Anti Michael Moore day.”
This is a prime example of hatin’ at its worst. You all know that the College Republicans are just jealous of Moore. After his films started blowin’ up, he’s been getting all the honeys. Republicans aren’t angry about what he said about President Bush, they’re just heated cuz when he pulls up to the club in his Escalade with the rims still spinnin’, all the ladies line up for a ride.
Of course the College Democrats do their fair share of hatin’. They be hatin’ on themselves. Students cannot even find one of their cuts on the top 10, let alone the top fo’ty. They might be kickin’ it underground, but they will never get the kinda scrilla the College Republicans are gettin’.
Their hatin’ ain’t doin’ nothing for the University, they might as well throw in the towel. It’s like my mother used to say, “Ya ought quit hatin’ and get yo’self a job boy!”
So, in order to fan the flames of separation, I have petitioned the University to declare next week “Man, you must be trippin’. I can’t believe your hatin’ again. Best get out my face before I slap you upside yo’ head” week. I’m planning to have many events to help the student body. “Hatin’ on Homework” is just one such event where I’ll have tutors in many subjects located in the Union ballroom to help students drop their homework like it’s hot.
I think my favorite event will be “Take the Frontin’ oughta Freshmen.” For this, I’m gonna ask several learned seniors to adopt a freshman for the rest of the semester, sort of like the Big Brother program. Each senior will show their freshman how to roll, correct Nextel etiquette and where to get the best Chinese food off-campus.
The week will culminate in a bumpin’ party to be held at my crib. All students will be invited, but I must warn you, I have a limited supply of Crys’, so first come first serve. Also, I can only fit 20 to 30 people in the V.I.P. , so best be lookin yo’ best, cuz only the FINEST ladies get into the V.I.P.
Hit George up on his two-way at [email protected]
