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BG Falcon Media

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BG Falcon Media

The BG News
BG24 Newscast
November 30, 2023

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Goodness, gracious: Kids’ hands are on fire

My life has no meaning if I don’t watch out for the welfare and enjoyment of small children around the world. Having said that, I have a message to all of them: It’s cool to set your hands on fire.

Honestly. What could go wrong? It’s all the rage in England.

The British children’s telly program “Ministry of Mayhem” aired a skit where a character called “The Doc” set his hands on fire using a mixture of methane gas and soap bubbles. This, of course, prompts all the lads and lasses to start using their home methane-and-soap kit.

And parents in England have the same reaction to fire as a Cro-Magnon. They’ll shout “Fire bad!” and then go out to bludgeon woolly mastodons with a crudely-carved spear. Really, they do that. I saw them do it.

“Mommy! Mommy! Mr. Bubble and Mr. Gas are making my hands feel angry!”

Unfortunately, “Ministry” has a history of unspeakable acts. Last year they (I’m quoting BBC and seriously not kidding) “encouraged children to feed lemon juice to babies,” which of course is bad for some reason. But lemon juice is only harmful if the baby is also on fire.

So why are so many Brits running around like Helen Lovejoy screaming “Won’t someone think of the children?” Kids are very impressionable. They look up to those they see in their neighborhood. Growing up all of us looked up to the psychotic ice cream man who blasted “Welcome to the Jungle” from his truck. And to this day, I can’t eat a Choco Taco without, at some point in the dessert, scream “SHANANANANA-KNEES!”

And my mommy says I’m not screwed up. So by that logic, neither are kids with their hands on fire.

And while I’m staunchly against flaming hands, I’m not blind to ignore that if their hands are on fire, at least they won’t be able to play with matches — which I, too, am against.

But “Ministry of Mayhem” may not have received heat (ha!) from people had they just included a “Don’t try this at home” warning. And failure to use a warning has put their show under fire (ha again!) and concerned parents are now seeing red.

So what if this hot trend (I got a million of ’em) spread in the US like … well, wildfire? What first comes to mind is Barney’s purple paws being melted by sweet, sweet fire. Unfortunately, this probably won’t happen since I’m banned from the set — me and my trusty lighter, which I’ve nicknamed Burny.

But what if they set Big Bird on fire? Well, that’s what us poor college students call “free dinner.”

And I don’t think any of us will forget Charlie Brown running around screaming “AUUUUGGGHH!” in the animated fire-prevention special, entitled “It’s A Third Degree Burn, Charlie Brown.”

But let’s go back and discuss “Ministry,” because I’m only at 500 words and need to fill more space.

Britain’s TV watchdog Ofcom released a report that said the show’s skit “was conducted almost as a piece of slapstick fun, exacerbated by the comic character of The Doc, with any education aspect being minimal.”

Heh. They said “exacerbated.” That’s a funny word.

Now, what was I talking about again?

I forget. But that’s because I have the brain of a 9-year-old child.

Like any starry-eyed child, one minute a young adult is watching something a show like “Ministry of Mayhem” or “Debbie Does Dallas” and the next minute we’re distracted by a rather poignant debate about the international ramifications of … hey look it’s a bunny!

And that’s just how our generation is. With so many messages bombarding our skin, aside from the charred remains of hand flesh we get by just fine, despite our attention span being shorter than Pope Benedict XVI’s remaining time on Earth.

If I saw a man on TV set his hands on fire, and I’m 9 years old, then that explains why my columns suck most of the time. But between flammable body parts on TV and crazy ice cream men in our neighborhood, I’d venture to say our world’s future is in pretty stable hands, provided those hands are flame-retardant.

And after all this, we have learned only three things in life:

I’m one sick and twisted llama.

Exacerbate is a funny word.

And most importantly, fire bad.

Matt is officially retiring from humor writing because BGSU is giving him a paper saying they are sick of him taking classes. So this is your last chance to e-mail him ([email protected]). And keep your eyes peeled for his 24-hour live street performance as a jobless graduate on Wooster St. starting May 8!

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