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  • Children of Eden written by Joey Graceffa
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Cell phone evolution

On a trip back home, I discovered between my Sega Game Gear and my male cheerleader outfit a rather strange item — a cell phone, circa 1998.

The “Micro TAC Lite II” featured a phone number display, volume control and three speed dial buttons. Half of the bottom flipped open, putting it on the 1990s cutting edge cellular- flippin’ technology. The phone had a leather holster, made at the same place from which John Goodman buys his pants.

“Micro” my foot.

Seeing this phone again made me wonder about the history of cell phones. I decided to conduct an independent research assignment (or maybe it’s the result of mind-altering drugs and potions — it’s all the same to me) and discovered two amazing facts.

Not only do cell phones date back to the Mesozoic Era, but the future of cell phones will shape our society in ways we can’t imagine — even though I imagined it, thanks to imagination-expanding chemicals (also known as a gallon of Wild Cherry Pepsi.)

History of cell phones

3 million bajillion B. C.: In the days of the caveman, Neanderthals had it rough. Their cell phone were the size of baby mastodons. Verizon implemented the latest Flintstone technology, placing a pterodactyl in each phone, who would fly to the destination number. Sadly, calls would take 30-45 minutes to connect, but it was faster than logging onto the Internet — back then, they only had 14.4 kbps modems.

Their phones had only one ringtone: a musical gnome who roomed with the pterodactyl. Anytime the phone would ring, the gnome would smash a boulder with a pickaxe. Ironically, all the cell phone “gnometones” were direct ancestors of current ringtone artist 50 Cent.

They had text messaging, but only the richest caveman lords were able to afford them. However, text messaging was not a very efficient method of communicating, as the only three letters in the alphabet at the time were “Unh,” “Uggh” and “Errh.”

33 A. D.: The year Jesus was crucified, all of his apostles had very steep cell phone bills. They had to pay long distance fees and activation charges. The bills would have been even higher if they were out of area, but thankfully they weren’t Roman. (Get it? Roman? Roamin’? Please laugh. If you don’t, I’ll cry tonight.)

Future of cell phones

The year 2015: Phones will be surgically implanted into people’s wrists, because scientists will discover it is really freakin’ cool to talk into your wrist in public. All of the Hollywood celebrities and CEOs will want this phone upon initial release, and will have the very first “intravenous phone.” Sadly, they will all die, prompting cell phone makers not to make them out of mercury, lead and flesh-eating protozoans.

Also, by popular demand, cell phones will be low-carb.

Ringtones will automatically access the private studio of John Williams, who will begin to conduct a customized, orchestrated ringtone upon contact.

Phone companies will ditch the primitive games like Breakout and begin to provide games for the original Nintendo Entertainment System. After all, there’s nothing like playing Excitebike or Contra during class.

The year 3005: Cell phones have replaced all face-to-face communication, thereby destroying the breath mint industry as well as making the high-five extinct. People will be encapsulated in futuristic soundproof bubbles. Thankfully, cell phones will be implanted in the brain, creating the first instance of telepathic communication.

In “Star Trek” fashion, all men will be united as one and will fly around outer space in giant cube spaceships a la the Borg. As the Borg, we will conquer any and all civilizations who haven’t reached cell phone implant technology.

But maybe I’m wrong.

At any rate, I found my old phone, and despite it not working, I will carry it around today. Maybe I’ll even whip it out in public and talk into it, like the rest of campus.

After all, how can one actually tell someone’s on the other end of that conversation? Everyone could be talking into a dead phone. Maybe I will too.

Besides, I don’t want to wake my pterodactyl.

E-mail Matt with comments at [email protected], or text message “u R 2 hott omg w00t” to his archaic cell phone.

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