The other day I overheard someone say, “Wouldn’t it be so cool if there really were aliens?”

Since we were at a showing of the new Star Wars movie, I assumed he wasn’t talking about the illegal kind that come to America on cargo ships or in plastic inner tubes.

Unbeknownst to this five-year-old in front of me, scientists now say that extraterrestrial life is not only possible, but probable with the many different planets and solar systems that abound in our vast universe.

My initial instinct is to agree with the boy and scientists.’ Yes, life on other planets is an exciting and intriguing thought.

However, if there is one thing countless sci-fi movies have taught me it is that if aliens do exist, it most likely means the Earth is screwed.

With a few rare exceptions, like the finger-glowing, bike-riding alien in E.T., most aliens aren’t exactly a picture of civility and benevolence.’ Hollywood has shown us that aliens have razor sharp claws, acid for blood, telepathic abilities and weapons that would make you beg for a good old-fashioned alien probing.’ Those aren’t exactly the kind of aliens I want to be meeting anytime soon.

I have even placed E.T. under suspicion.’ Sure he seems harmless, but I have always secretly suspected he was a spy and might return to Earth with a million of his friends to take over the planet.’ ‘ I really doubt those kids would have helped him find his way back home if they had ever thought of that. Stupid kids.

The only good aliens were the ones in the movie Cocoon.’ These aliens were smart and friendly, and they helped resolve a major American problem, Social Security.’ They came and took old people to live on their own planet, where they would never age.’

I wouldn’t mind if aliens like those existed, as long as they also took away convicted felons, loud children and Republicans.

Even if aliens existed peacefully alongside us, chances are they would be much cooler than us.’ Upon witnessing the stupidity of humans on a daily basis, I would also venture to guess they would be much smarter too.’ Naturally this would incite great jealousy among we feeble humans, and we would eventually try and kill them.’ Of course, we would be unsuccessful, as they would not only be cooler and smarter, but probably deadlier as well.

But perhaps I am being too pessimistic.’ Maybe aliens really will come to our aid and help us solve things like world hunger, pollution and cancer.’

When they have finished there, they could move on to conquering hang-nails, PMS and gas prices.’ If I had my choice, they would cure PMS first.’ Having lived with girls for most of college I have come to hate “that time of the month” almost as much as they do.

Even if they don’t come to cure our problems, I would at least hope they would make good pets.’ What kid wouldn’t want to take a little bug-eyed, balloon-headed alien to class for show-and-tell?

Unfortunately my mind drifts back to the countless movies I have seen and I envision the children running for their lives.

So to that five-year-old who sat in front of me, I say this: be careful what you wish for because you never know when a human-hunting alien will be knocking on your door.

On that day in the hopefully far distant future when extraterrestrial life is discovered maybe my skepticism will be proven unfounded, but for now I am going to keep my fingers crossed that the only place I ever see an alien is on the movie screen.

E.T. phone home?

E.T. stay home.