Either I was born with paint thinner in my cranium or I’m a chronic liar,but I am not making this up.I had one of the most tripped out experiences of my life this past week, and although it may not inspire you, provoke thought, or even make sense, the fact of the matter is I wrote it down, and therefore it is fact.

I was walking back from Lot 6 Overflow, which is more or less a hillbilly’s Mecca. As I neared the visitors’ center, the wind started picking up. A few stray farm animals were picked up by the maelstrom and thrown in my face.Soon enough the wind took me with it.And my journey began. The high gusts whisked me away to several worlds similar to ours, but with distinct differences. For instance, my first trip was down by the bay where the watermelons grow. There were so many things wrong with this place, I felt like I was on the back page of a Highlights magazine.

I flew over a world run by women drivers, where cars come without turn indicators and stop signs were ignored five consecutive days out of the month.

I flew over a college campus that had parking garages. Sure, it seems like a good idea, but with as much open space as University has, why build up when you can build outward?

I flew over a campus whose dorms forbid beanbag chairs, yet allow them in the student union lounges.

I flew over the Kingdom of Oz during the biblical years, and the flying monkeys were stacking Munchkins to build a Tower of Babel. I also saw Noah get completely drunk and start shooting two of every animal. I flew over Iraq, and they started shooting at me. So I quickly left the area.

I flew through the Academy Awards of whiny athletes, hosted by Bill Laimbeer and John McEnroe. There was a touching moment in the ceremony where Ryan Leaf won the Lifetime Achievement Award, where he thanked “every coach who waived my overachieving butt, because without them, I would not be standing here today.”

I flew inside a Nintendo Gamecube, where all the characters from Super Smash Bros. Melee were fast asleep, even Jigglypuff. If there was one Pokémon I could put into a slingshot and launch directly into oncoming traffic, it would be that pudgy, useless, sorry excuse for a cartoon character. Why hasn’t Jerry Falwell condemned this lavender ball of shame yet?

I flew over the White House and dropped copies of the movie “Independence Day” on it.

I flew over a world where Plexiglas was a common substitute for just about any other material. My only gripe with this place was its lack of birds.

I flew over this really cool place where people went to bed at 5 a.m. and got up at 8 a.m., because daylight savings occurred seven times every day.

I can’t exactly recall every other place I visited, but all I know is that I woke up inside a very large plastic container. Apparently I went completely insane from the bone-chilling wind out in overflow and exploded into many pieces. Then, one of those guys who assembles ships inside of bottles found me and had their way with me. I feel so violated. But I’ll live just as long as nobody puts the cork back in.