Let me add a disclaimer: Joel Hammond started this with his column yesterday, so if you don’t know who Bill Simmons is or why we appear to be obsessed with him this week, it is all Joel’s fault.
Bill Simmons, in addition to his stream-of-consciousness humor columns on ESPN.com’s Page Two, created something called the Unintentional Comedy Rating scale. The idea is that various things that aren’t supposed to be funny but are, get assigned a rating from 60 to 100 based on their laugh value.
Being a tried-and-true writer, I, of course, thought I could do it better. Cue the sportlight, it is time for Tuesday at the Improv. (That wind gust you just felt was every BG News reader in town turning the page simultaneously.)
UCR Ratings, Bowling Green edition:
60: The shoulder-level seam in the camera backdrop for press conferences at Anderson Arena.
62: The shape of the Administration Building after you’ve been here for a year.
63: Foam soap in on-campus restrooms.
65: Kevin Netter’s mild likeness to Justin Timberlake (sorry if I was a bit rough on you in my last story, Net.)
67: The loudspeaker falcon screech every time the football team gets a first down.
69: Dan Dakich throwing a sideline temper tantrum.
70: Akron coach Dan Hipsher throwing a sideline temper tantrum.
73: Baseball coach Danny Schmitz and his penchant for using the word “flipping” in place of a more caustic f-word.
74: Toledo football coach Tom Amstutz.
75: The 67 classic rock stations in northwest Ohio.
77: Bowling Green’s snow removal practices (when you’re not the one driving.)
79: Watching low-overhead off-campus housing go up in the span of three weeks, and knowing it will take about that long before something goes wrong for the unfortunate new tenants.
80: BG campus parking (when you’re not the one trying to find a space.)
81: The intermittent poo-gas stench at the corner of Mercer and Poe roads.
83: Anything that occurs on Main Street in the wee hours of Saturday morning.
84: Woodland Town Center, a.k.a. “The Small.” The only mall where you’ll find a storefront karate studio.
85: McDonald Hall now has their own chain take-out chicken joint.
86: The National Tractor-Pull Championships.
87: Bill’s Hill, the tallest spot in Bowling Green. Elevation: 65 feet.
88: Rock bands who smash two unrelated words together to make their name, like “Chickengravel.”
89: The shape of the Administration Building your first year here.
90: The sign on the inside of the men’s room stalls in the Education Building: “Unlawful conduct will not be tolerated.”
91: The constant wrap-around drive-through line at Taco Bell every night.
92: Jimmy John’s.
93: Heidelberg College’s nickname, the Student Princes.
94: The hillbilly dance line in South Side Six Party Store commercial.
95: The shape of the Administration Building the first time somebody tells you what it looks like.
96: The name of UNC-Charlotte women’s basketball player Ivana Mandic.
97: Natural Light.
99: SIC SIC.
100: Your bursar bill.
They’re lining up to give me my own sitcom right now, I can feel it.
