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Forget love, use anger to get ahead

It sure looks like the world will end because two countries with massive amounts of weapons don’t like each other. They are angry at one another, and eventually it will be the end of humanity. This is the kind of behavior that gives anger a bad name.

When you really think about it, unbridled rage is one of the most useful emotions we have. Sure, we love each other, but what does it do to us? It makes us relaxed. We become content with our surroundings, and even a lethal rattlesnake bite seems trivial because we may have just fallen in love. Love is deceiving. Of course, we can’t live without love, but we most definitely couldn’t do anything without our good friend anger.

This gives me an excuse to quote Jack Handey: “If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.

Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised.” Now I cannot stress enough that I think killing is wrong. However, if you are among the countless individuals who don’t like listening to me, then remember this: if you kill in the heat of passion, there isn’t a jury in this country that would convict you of murder in any degree. The worst you can receive is voluntary manslaughter. Isn’t that great news? Again, this shows you why anger is perceived as evil, although you can see its usefulness. Now let’s think about protesters. There are two kinds. Some will join hands and silently form a circle. This is ineffective, because no one is intimidated by this, except those who are afraid of silence. Obviously these protesters don’t like something.

Otherwise, they look quite foolish playing the quietest game of “Duck, Duck, Goose” you will ever see.

On the other hand, you have angry protesters. These guys will do anything for attention and for their cause. How about lighting themselves on fire? If you’re against world hunger, and you ignite yourself, you’re crazy, and that deserves my attention.

How about Arianna Huffington? This lady’s seriously pissed off about the government. But of course, you could have told me that if you knew her most recent book is titled “Pigs in the Trough: How Corporate Greed and Political Corruption are Undermining America.” I’m sure glad I don’t intend on running for public office. When you read how Huffington describes the CEOs of America as “preening, pampered, overpaid, egocentric, corporate American Idols,” you sit up and hope she isn’t spying on you.

We can even take this to a humorous level. Let’s analyze the mind of a donkey. If you pull its tail once, it may forgive you. If you repeatedly tug on his tail, he will eventually be filled with rage and kick you with his hind legs and send you flying into the wall.

Even in sports, anger and intensity can raise a team’s level of play. Take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. For years they would make the playoffs, but could never reach the Super Bowl under passive coach Tony Dungy. The Bucs fired Dungy and brought in hotheaded Jon Gruden, who not only took his Buccaneers to the Super Bowl, but also won it convincingly. Cleveland Browns fans can also strike fear into the referees’ hearts by throwing beer bottles onto the field if they don’t like a call.

What about my anger? Well, I am one of countless left-handed students. If you are a southpaw like me, you know that there are very few desks on campus that are designed for left-handed use.

With all this hubbub of minorities getting their just desserts, you can easily forget that left-handed people are a minority as well. If we were as angry as African-American civil rights leaders were, we might get our wish of more left-handed desks. However, we are still being segregated and oppressed.

When you think “anger management,” you think about people controlling their temper and peacefully resolving their problems. I have a better definition. You should use, or “manage,” your anger to get what you want. Or, if you’re zealous to the brink of insanity, you can just light yourself on fire and call it a day.

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